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i realized something this morning. it's been bugging me for a few weeks now, and i just found out what it is this morning. I'm scared. im really scared.

i'm scared of going to college. i really am. i think its because i will be changing my life again. it was the same thing when i went to ninth grade. i guess that its such a big step in my life that it has me scared out of my wits....

i fell asleep in the closet because of it. whenever im upset or need sometime out for myself, i usually go into the closet. it doesnt solve anything, but it helps me calm down. its become harder to do that now, though. im developing a case of claustrophobia, u know, fear of small places. i dunno y, but its just happening. whenever the room becomes messy or crowded, i end up kicking everbody out, cleaning the room, and then getting away from it myself.....

i really worry about myself.

the closet is my place of peace. i was so upset yestersay, i went and sat there. i read two horror books in there, and suddenly, im asleep. i woke up with my dad asking if i had finished my homeworks or not. i didnt have any homeworks, so i told him yes, and then looked at the clock. it was eleven pm. i went into the closet around eight. *sigh*

this morning, my mom comes into my room and asks me y i was in the sloset all night long yesterday. i tell her that i was upset, and that the college orientation was right in the middle of the family vacation, and that i didnt want to ruin the family trip for everyone because of me. and she starts laughing when i start crying about it.

the thing is, i talked about the problem with my mom the day before, and she told me that it will be ok. i know that my mom and dad will help me through this, but i cant stop worrying. after all, i get it from my mom, and i am the oldest kid in the house.

for the family trip, i'm going to be out of town for, like, all of summer. so i wont be able to do anything online or anything that has to do with computers. the orientation is in the middle of june, so i wont be there, and that what has me worried............

my mom and dad said that if i dont go to college, then i have to get married, and i dont want to get married. im only seventeen. in our culture, getting married young is actually ok, but i really dont want to get married. this morning i found out that they were only saying it as a joke.............*sighs.......*oh well, i always believed it. and im not ashamed to say that.

man, i hate taking big steps in life. i get scared out of my wits. but im sooo scared of going to college next fall................................