Why must as soon as I feel just great, and not depressed, must I become depressed.
Become confused, become rude, become horrible.
Yesterday, I felt fine, happy, content, just fine.
Today, I feel low, lower than usual.
I don't know anything anymore these days.
Why was I put on earth?
What am I hear for?
What do I want?
Who do I want?
Who am I?
I don't know anything about myself.
I have changed completely since I have moved down here.
I use to be this, hard core tom boy who everyone would think of as one of the guys.
Who never wanted to wear make-up.
Who never wore dresses.
Who never wore skirts.
Who no one thought was pretty.
Now I'm this, girly girl.
Who wears make-up.
And won't go into public without it.
Who would actually wear a dress.
Who would wear a skirt.
And now people find me pretty.
Before I would beg for compliments, not out loud.
But I'd think about how much I would like one every once and a while.
Now, I hear a compliment, and I tell people to shut up.
I don't like them.
It makes me feel like people are just trying to suck up to me for something.
It makes me feel like who ever gave me it, only said it, to make me feel better.
Or to make me believe that they are my friend.
And if it's a guy, it makes me feel like they just want in my pants.
I can't wait `till I get enough money for a digital camera.
That way I can express my feelings through photography.
Instead of sitting here, blogging on Gaia.
I find it sad, that I basically only have one friend.
And that one friend, isn't in my section for school when it starts.
If last year was hard without her in my section.
And just meeting her that year.
Imagine how this year is going to be without her in my section.
For knowing her longer than a year.
I find it sad, that all of my friends, are basically people from the Internet.
I find it sad, that they all care about me more than people irl.
I find it sad, that I care about them, more than people irl.
With the exception of my one friend.
If I was still in St.Cloud, I wouldn't have this problem.
I can basically be sure of it.
I'd have better grades.
I'd be able to concentrate more.
I'd be able to have a life other than the computer.
But I don't have any of that here.
I can't concentrate in school.
I don't have good grades.
I don't have a life other than the computer.
I have nothing down here.
Except emotions.
Emotions that are taking over my body.
Emotions that I can't control any longer.
I can't even tell my mom of how I feel.
I tell no one of how I feel.
I don't even open up to my one friend.
I only opened up to her once, and that's only because my mom called.
And put me in that mood.
I only open to Dion. <3
Yes, Internet friend, I don't care.
But he's the only person I know I can truly open up to.
He's one of the only people who has actually helped me get in a better mood.
When I was in a mood like this.
But now, I have to open up to this stupid journal, that no one will read.
Because he's not online.
I wouldn't even tell him I'm not in a good mood.
He'd just know, and ask me about it.
I want someone like that in real life.
And I do, just, we get in so many fights.
That I feel, if I open up to her, and we get in a huge fight.
She'll go off and tell everyone about what I've said.
And I only feel like that because it's happened to me before.
I want to type out more.
But I don't know how to put in words, how I'm feeling anymore.
So I guess I'm going to go.
xoxo
` G a y.
