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I haven't done a journal entry in... too long. I'm thinking about using a new account, if I actually stay on the site this time. Wanted to start fresh, there's some things I'd prefer not to remember and have people lurking through.
What's new with me... well, earlier this week we went to my mom's friend Rosie's funeral. I don't think I've been on Gaia since everything happened with Rosie, so I'll do a quick sum-up. She had a rare type of cancer on and in her adrenal glands, and she'd been in the final stage for over a year (when she first found out she had it.) The past few weeks she'd been getting confused and hallucinating, and last weekend when we had our Thanksgiving dinner (yes, it was a week late - my mom worked the weekend before) we got the call from Rosie's family saying she didn't have much longer as she'd slipped into this type of morphine induced coma and was unresponsive. Went out that night at 11pm with my mom - got there around 1:00am, and my mom didn't go to bed until that night after Rosie had passed.
The funeral was devastating. I mean, they're supposed to be depressing, it's to honor someone whose life has ended, but this one just hit really hard because I didn't realize how much Rosie had meant to me as well. Hearing people talk about her, the speech her ex-husband gave was beautiful, talking about how he'd never had a hero before her because of how strong she was (since with her cancer, she should have been gone long ago, but she was strong almost completely up to the end and at many times seemed to be getting better.)
As for me, I've been going in and out of a state of depression for a very long time, several years in fact that I never realized how depressed I really was. I'm finally starting to get over that, there's still a few things that really get to me but I'm handling it all a lot better. Believe it or not, not going to school this year actually depressed me. I didn't realize how many friends I really had until I was stuck home this year while they went back to school. I actually went to visit the highschool with my friend Lizzy a few weeks back, stood at the bus entrance with her and Peter, waited for his bus to get there. It's weird thinking that he's in grade 12 this year because I remember when he just started grade 9.
That's another ridiculous thing that's new with me: I'm feeling OLD. I'm a nineteen year old girl who feels like she just hit her 30th birthday. And I think a lot of that is because I've had such a detachment from everything that shows my true age. As silly as it seems, what I really want is to be in school with a silly school girl crush, because I haven't had that in forever. My last crush was Colin in grade 12, and lets be honest, that was half-forced and lasted a short amount of time.
...this is all part of why I'm debating about going to college (or university! I might apply to Trent.) in January. Stupid that it should be over boys and not education, but if I'm being honest, I kinda miss homework of all things. So I guess education is still a huge part ;P My issue is I don't know where to go. I wanted to go to Loyalist in Belleville, but then I found out my one friend wants to go there. She's having a baby, she's a clingy friend, and I don't think I can handle being in such close proximity to her. It's hard enough avoiding her when I want space NOW, imagine when we go to the same college!
And I thought about going to Durham, but Andrew is there and he's this guy I was in love with pretty much all through highschool - only seriously from grade nine to grade eleven, but off and on since then. I'd feel creepy for going to the same college as him when I KNOW he's going there, and since Durham doesn't offer anything too special to make it worthwhile, I probably won't go there.
Hmmm, what else can I say... well, I'm acting like myself again. What I mean is, I'm making my friends laugh and being random and I guess a little witty, quick with funny remarks and such. I didn't realize that I'd ever stopped, but I had a random conversation with my one school friend MJ and it was literally a "laugh out loud" moment. And it felt good because I haven't been able to do that in so long, online anyway. I just feel a lot better than I have in a really long time. I honestly barely ever come online though, I mean I guess I go online frequently to check facebook but I never stay on. Not like I used to, and I'm definitely never on MSN. My next goal is to get back into my writing, regain my focus.
Well, its been fun catching up in this journal entry. It'll probably be my last since I'll be switching to a new account if I stay on the site. Sadly, it's 5:17am, I'm not tired, and my stomach is growling. You know what that means - FRENCH TOAST TIME! Yummy!
Edit: I went through and deleted a LOT of my old journal entries. I mention in this post how depressed I've been for the past few years, and if you knew me, you could so tell from my old journal entries. I complained in one about going out to see a movie over March Break since it was close to the end of my break and I wanted to be home.
In a TON of them I talked about wanting to be online constantly and complaining that I wasn't able to be on 12 hours a day or something. I honest to God had no life. Everything is so much better for me now that I'm not spending my life online. I'm not stressed, I'm not dealing with anyone's bullshit that I brainwashed myself into thinking was somehow my fault which I did with EVERY ONE I got in a fight with. Everyone. It's insane. I actually have a life again, even if its still slower and more boring than I'd like. I hang out with friends, I go places with my parents, we're going to Canada's Wonderland this weekend for the Halloween Haunt. I'm just really appreciating my life now a lot more than I did before.
Now I really AM going to go make french toast, and either watch Pride & Prejudice, orrr play Fable. At 5:43am ;D
 synchronicityy · Mon Oct 25, 2010 @ 10:17am · 0 Comments |
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