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Someone Somewhere Else tl;dr nobody in this thread is "right" or "wrong" in their advice because they merely bring up different aspects of the situation: RD's actions and the OP's feelings. Also the OP should attempt to cut ties with both RD and her ex if she's in a hurting emotional state, in order to be a 'good' person.
Whether or not explicit reality precedes an individual's subjective perception is an individual choice. Although an individual's feelings cannot be quantified or measured with a universal unit, they are important factors of an individual's situation. Given the individual includes subjectivity in his or her perception. The OP stated she is emotionally damaged--"really hurt and torn up inside." The severity of these feelings calls for consideration of them; they change her situation. What Inysted argues is that she should reciprocate RD's feelings. RD's attempts to cheer up the OP at any cost, his constant attention toward her, and his assurance that he would make a good boyfriend make him... qualified. Everyone else argues that regardless of how "qualified" he is, the OP's feelings will determine if she and RD should be together. One side bases the advice on RD's actions--those not of the OP. The other side bases the advice on the OP's feelings. bam. explict, objective reality vs. confused, individual feelings. I'll reference Vladimir Nabokov since he's credible, and his view of objective reality and its relationship with subjective realities is... well, read it. Vladimir Nobokov Let us take three types of men walking through the same landscape. Number One is a city man on a well-deserved vacation. Number Two is a professional botanist. Number Three is a local farmer. Number One, the city man, is what is called a realistic, commonsensical, matter-of-fact type: he sees trees as trees and knows from his map that the road he is following is a nice new road leading to Newton, where there is a nice eating place recommended to him by a friend in his office. The botanist looks around and sees his environment in the very exact terms of plant life, precise biological and classified units such as specific trees and grasses, flowers and ferns, and for him, this is reality; to him the world of the stolid tourist (who cannot distinguish an oak from an elm) seems a fantastic, vague, dreamy, never-never world. Finally the world of the local farmer differs from the two others in that his world is intensely emotional and personal since he has been born and bred there, and knows every trail and individual tree, and every shadow from every tree across every trail, all in warm connection with his everyday work, and his childhood, and a thousand small things and patterns which the other two—the humdrum tourist and the botanical taxonomist—simply cannot know in the given place at the given time. Our farmer will not know the relation of the surrounding vegetation to a botanical conception of the world, and the botanist will know nothing of any importance to him about that barn or that old field or that old house under its cottonwoods, which are afloat, as it were, in a medium of personal memories for one who was born there. So here we have three different worlds—three men, ordinary men who have different realities—and, of course, we could bring in a number of other beings: a blind man with a dog, a hunter with a dog, a dog with his man, a painter cruising in quest of a sunset, a girl out of gas— In every case it would be a world completely different from the rest since the most objective words tree, road, flower, sky, barn, thumb, rain have, in each, totally different subjective connotations. Indeed, this subjective life is so strong that it makes an empty and broken shell of the so-called objective existence. The only way back to objective reality is the following one: we can take these several individual worlds, mix them thoroughly together, scoop up a drop of that mixture, and call it objective reality. We may taste in it a particle of madness if a lunatic passed through that locality, or a particle of complete and beautiful nonsense if a man has been looking at a lovely field and imagining upon it a lovely factory producing buttons or bombs; but on the whole these mad particles would be diluted in the drop of objective reality that we hold up to the light in our test tube. Moreover, this objective reality will contain something that transcends optical illusions and laboratory tests. It will have elements of poetry, of lofty emotion, of energy and endeavor (and even here the button king may find his rightful place), of pity, pride, passion—and the craving for a thick steak at the recommended roadside eating place. So when we say reality, we are really thinking of all this—in one drop—an average sample of a mixture of a million individual realities.
So, neither disregard for RD's actions nor disregard for the OP's feelings is... fair. A consideration of both will yield a more satisfying result. There are objective elements to consider. There are subjective elements to consider. My advice to the OP is to make clear to RD, and even your ex that you aren't interested in a relationship. [Given you aren't interested in one.] There's a high possibility that you'll lose both; that they'll no longer pursue you or invest attention in you, but this spares both of them the drama and possible pain of having their hopes crushed, and the despair of getting rejected after believing they had a chance. If your interest is in being a good person, then you can achieve at with the consequence of losing the attention of the two guys. As things stand with your feelings, you shouldn't get with anyone until you feel emotionally at ease. Don't keep RD around; not necessarily because you don't have feelings for him but because it is impossible for you to feel the same way for him, since your last relationship left you feeling so hurt. Allow RD to chase after someone else who he has a chance with. pirate
Someone Somewhere Else · Sat Jan 09, 2010 @ 06:36am · 0 Comments |
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