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Its that type of feeling where you don't know what to say or do. When all around is happy but on the inside you feel empty. I do shine on my own and have hope, but it seems as if my emotions are fake and I am not truly happy at all, I am just empty. The word sounds like, a nobody. Its where I want to be sad where I want to be this way because its how I truly am. I guess I have never been a really happy person. I try to be there for people, I try my hardest to be happy and to be just me but right now I don't feel like being happy or anything. I just want to sit and let the world go by with out me. After all...thats what everyone is doing to me anyway.


Everyone has someone. Everyone I am friends with has someone to be close with, but I don't which is part of my problem. It would be nice if a guy came along to comfort me. I begin to think, is love even real? Is it just our emotions that make it seem real when its not? What is it?

I wish that I could have someone that cares for me deeply, but I know I will probably never find that person. Cuz I never go anywhere or do anything with anyone so how could I possibly meet a person at all? People say everyone has a true love and soul mate and that when they find them they live happy lives. I always thought that was just some fantasy now that I think about it. I want to be close with a person but they never want to be close with me. All they want is friendship and friendship these days don't come with a physical touch.

I have been through so many things with love on the internet but never felt it in person. I stand alone in the big circle of friendship while I watch everyone in a couple or flirting with a friend they like. But me...I can't do any of those things. Know why? Cuz I have nobody, won't ever be with nobody, and most certainly am not ever going to be loved like that. I always end up hurt and that maybe mine or those others faults, I really don't know. But one thing is for sure, I am sad...an empty sadness that has scared me for as long as I remember. And the closer I get with friends the more that scar gets put to the point where I want to be close with them.

I love in different ways then other people. Its different because I don't feel that way about females but I do for males. I guess its cuz I want to be comforted by one as they tend to be very protective and strong and I guess its just that type of wish that I always wanted but never got. I try to keep a distance with people because they don't feel that way about me, never have they really. The more I do that the more I hurt but the more I don't the more I will hurt their relationships. So no matter what I do...someone always gets hurt and no matter what...it will always be that way. It seems like it won't sometimes because I feel happy, but I know thats just a way to escape from that feeling. I feel alone no matter how people try to be close because they are with someone else. They can't truly be with me. They may make me feel not so alone but it doesn't complete its true phase. It lasts for a while then dies. I never givin up on any friendship before, people always leave me usually. I just feel like my work is done.

No one knows how sad I am. I always put on a happy face at home because I don't really delight in telling them how I feel. Only to those I trust and I do not trust them. To the ones I do, I am not entirly sure if they know how I feel or can even understand it.

I just wish that someone would come along and just...comfort me for the rest of my life. I guess maybe thats chilidish for thinking that way cuz its the real world and not some fantasy. I wish though still sometimes, I go in a coma and never wake up again. No one that I know online would know and that would be it for me. To live in my dreams for a while then die because they cut off my life support.

I wish I could join in on others happiness but that never really works out. To try entering their heaven...it isn't for me but only for them. I helped so many be where they are today and yet there has not been one person who can take this burdon off of me. It lasted for a while then died. For I am not meant to love humans. I stand up in those clouds watching them have fun in their own little worlds while I sit alone there just watching them be happy. Their so lucky to even have that type of happiness because alot of people do not have it at all. I guess that some people are meant to have it and others are not.


-sigh- I guess I am always going to be a nobody. emo emo emo