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Things To Do When You're Bored

The Boredom Menace


1: Go head-to-head in a drinking contest with everyone you can find. Learn to walk when you feel like a walking smudge.

2: Set up or join a circus. If you're not that good at anything dress in drag, put golf balls in your mouth and join the freak show.

3: Infiltrate a government by setting up your own grass-roots campaign (yes I have no idea what I'm saying, but it sounds good).

4: (This is good for a group of bored people) Steal (no, I meant borrow) some cameras and stuff and pretend you're shooting a film. Hold up traffic for hours. Give the police (when they come) cameo roles to buy them off.

5: Bust up a drug ring.

6: Form a drug ring.

7: Write original movie scripts. Especially ones about people flying around in space ships called Darth Vader and Obi Wan Kenobi.

8: Conjure up evil spirits and invite them to possess your neighbour. Oh wait. That'd only make things better.

9: Wait for the Apocalypse. Sell Millennium Bug insurance while you're at it. Actually, you can also sell Judgement Day insurance for those who might get left behind. Prepare for the Apocalypse by growing an unkempt beard and making boards with irrelevant Bible references (Luke 11:38 "And when the Pharisee saw it, he marvelled that he had not first washed before dinner." wink

10: Look up the Bible for weird or funny lines.

11: Scan the biggest book you can find into the computer. Spell-check it. Or use Microsoft's evil grammar checker.

12: Arrange a meeting with an important foreign dignitary. Every 5 minutes on the dot, stand up and moon him/her. Sit back down and discuss world events. Imagine what your local head of state will have to do to fix that up!

13: Watch movies and get at least one record of another movie that person has been in. Even for the minor players. Play the Kevin Bacon game.

14: Get into conversations and go off on a tangent at every opportunity. Make sure the tangents are way off topic and involve some intricately describable part of your life.

15: Carry a dagger around with you. Do nothing with it but just have it in your hand as you go about your everyday chores. This will assuredly freak people out. Especially when you give them small evil glances periodically. Wear Dracula teeth for good measure.

16: Get a sizable bag and make it your Crusade to fill it up with free samples and pamphlets from around town. Stealing stuff is not allowed, nor is grabbing a handful of the same pamphlets to fill up space. Every item must be unique. If you succeed, try for a bigger bag, or attempt to put it all back. (You should see the employment agencies go off their nut when you come in to put pamphlets back onto stands. Free food sample providers are even funnier when you return stuff, especially after a week.)

17: Walk about town and pretend you have a spasm every so often. Increase the severity of the spasm until someone notices you. Mumble a lot too.

18: Take pictures of people. Say you're from the entertainment part of the paper and so its perfectly fine to take shots of random people. Ask if they do n***s or body chocolate shots.

19: Wear one of those practical joke "knife in the head" things around all day. Pretend it's a normal part of your body, or that the person that points it out is delusional.

20: (This requires a lot of very trust-worthy and good-acting work-mates) Storm into your boss's office, scream bloody murder and then yell, "I QUIT YOU STUPID b*****d!!!" Storm out. Count twenty seconds and come back in, doing your normal business, being nice and everything, pretending nothing happened. Have your workmates create the illusion that your explosion was just a figment of his imagination. If done convincingly, you may get a new boss.

21: Watch Eraserhead (brilliant but bizarre movie) and construct a meaning from it that involves one or more of the following: religion (easy), drugs, Vietnam, the invention of CD-ROMS or Henry the VIII.

22: Cash in early on the Star Wars Prequel merchandise. Create your own line of "Star Warts" figurines (the t is there to block the ten lawyers-a-suing...). Have Bath Vader, Obi Wan Shinobi (a ninja Jedi), Fattikan Skywalker (the large father of Luke who falls into a spa bath and becomes Bath Vader), Soda the wise Jedi master, R2-See thru (sexy robot)...

23: Invent one of those popup helpers in Office 97. Make sure it uses plenty of expletives, gore and explicit sex scenes.

24: Go to Washington DC and ask Bill Clinton for some hints on the "screwdriver approach". (Secret name for the Lewinsky ordeal. Screwdrivers turn in screws. Bill screws interns.) *

25: Develop a new cryptosystem and have the guys at sci.crypt bash at it (or laugh at it).

26: Write trashy love stories. Be creative.

27: Speak in movie quotes. Example: (Salesman) "I'm sorry, your order won't be in for a week. I'll ring up deliveries and see if they can try and get it here soon." (You in Yoda voice) "There is no try!" (Salesman) "Pardon? Anyway, we may need some verification on the exact type of defibrillator you want." (You with best Bones voice) "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not an engineer!" (Salesman) "Yeah okay. And I think your credit card has expired..." (Yoda voice again) "There is another..."

28: If you have a really understanding significant other, have sex wherever you can. Everywhere. And remember, if it's not on, its not on... Which leads me to:

29: Put a condom on over your head.

30: Relive your favourite Pinky and the Brain moments.

31: Did someone say cherry bomb?

32: Heckle your lecturer.

33: Buy about a dozen packs of chewing gum. Try to see how many you can have in your mouth at once. Now with your extra-minty breath, drink coke (trust me, its dangerous. Don't try this at home kids!)

34: Troll.

35: Save your soft drink cans and make a shrine to one of them (I use to have a shrine to Pepsi Max in my room).

36: Write a super-obscure and useless book. For example, Bic Pens for Dummies, Advanced Techniques of utilizing Fast Fourier Transforms in n-space statistical sampling of a U-238 atom, or Close to Glory - The Life of Albert Einstein's Friend's Sister's Professor's Cousin's Room-mate's Brother's Cleaner.

37: World records to break in your neighbour's car:
- Longest session of continued doughnuts
- Most rolls on a flat surface
- Hottest wheels resulting from a burnout
- Smallest pieces record
- Number of police after you (pursuers from the military or government agency are double points)

38: Pretend to be accident prone

39: Grease up your feet (or whole body if you feel inclined to) and slide around. Try to avoid stairs and balconies. If you find yourself out on the street and still moving quickly, panic. If you're on a highway and still moving, I'm truly sorry… IDIOT!

40: Invite yourself to parties, functions, awards ceremonies, open heart operations and riots.

41: Get nominated for an Academy Award. It's easy, just make a 30 second clip (that's all they need to show at the Oscars) and buy big baskets of fruit and champagne for the Academy.

42: Invent a new rule or exception in grammar. It doesn't have to be in your native tongue.

43: I was going to suggest stalking but apparently that's an overcrowded market these days. (and done in bored 3 -ed)

44: Write up an interpretation of the lyrics to American Pie and send it to Rolling Stone magazine.

45: Crack safes. Or even save cracks.

46: Instigate a jailbreak.

47: Find a bug in a Microsoft product. Now that nanosecond has passed, write a 32 page memo to the software engineers (they're not programmers, engineers are people who screw things up).

48: (For guys) Stick a huge salami stick in your pants and proposition women for sex, casually looking down at your enormous bulge when you do it. When they wholeheartedly agree (eventually), say "Oh nah… I've got a headache… NOW HOW DO YOU FEEL?!"

49: (For girls) Invite a guy into your bedroom or office for a "serious discussion" (I don't know, homework or real work or something). When you're talking (rubbish), have a sausage or a pen or something phallic-shaped. Stroke it. Tease it. Caress it. This will send subliminal sexual messages to the guy. When he's suitably aroused, chew the object into tiny bits or grab a large knife and cut it to bits (it being the object, not the guy or his "object" wink . When he winces in pain, tell him that you're very disappointed with him and that he better watch himself. Laugh maniacally.

50: Count grains of sand. I'm sure you've found something exciting to do already.

51: Borrow something big from the library (War and Peace, the Bible, Encyclopaedia Britannica in one volume). For every page in the book, press a flower or a bug. Or write your own amusing side-notes. Or just underline stuff at random. That'll confuse them students.

51: Invent a way to combine Monopoly, dominoes, poker and backgammon (and maybe Mah Jong) into one big game.

52: Pretend you're Austin Powers for a week.

53: Chase after lizards or small children, wielding a screwdriver menacingly.

54: Go to your local preschool or kindergarten and tell stories. Especially those that involve the "true story" of everyone's favourite fairy tale characters. For example:
- Red Riding Hood and the Wolf actually set it up together so Granny would get eaten
- A minute-by-minute description of what happened to Hansel and Gretel when they were put into the oven ("And by the fifth minute, their eyes were black because all the blood vessels burst in their eyes and their skin began to melt and you could see bone…" wink .
- What Snow White really did with the Seven Dwarfs.
- What really happened when they lived happily ever after. Include the messy divorce, how their kids ended up in rehab and when the evil witch actually resurrected herself and "began hunting small children that look just like you!!!" (by pretending to be a teacher!)

55: Spend your entire weekend digitally pasting Jennifer Love Hewitt's head onto some Playboy centerfold's body.

56:Reset everyone's alarm clocks to say.. oh… 3 am or maybe pm.

57: Replace the decaf with extra-caffeine.

58: Ski down the stairs or maybe even set up a toboggan. It'd be a good idea to open the door.

59: Visit bars and start up conversation with: "Here's one for ya, there was a Jew, a Negro and the Pope sitting in a bar…"
60: Run around and convince everyone that a few selected urban legends have really occurred. Really! A friend of a friend was right there! Yeah, he had his kidneys removed!

61: Select some scientific discipline in which you have no idea about. Find a professor in that field and argue vehemently about something stupid (relativity and the uncertainty principle are good ones to annoy physicists because of the way they attack normal philosophy).

62: Set up romances between strangers, married or not.

63: Start a huge argument. Storm off angrily. Live in a library for a week, researching every possible fact to prove your case and disprove the other guy's. Come back, armed with about a thousand references and resume the debate.

64: Get to work early and remove all the carpet. Hide it in one of your coworkers' office (it'd be pretty funny cos their entire room would be full of carpet, so it'd be real obvious).

65: Find serial numbers, bar codes, books in the library, phone numbers and other number-related things that have some reference to the number 666.

66: Delete stuff at random. On your computer, your neighbours or the server, it doesn't matter.

67: Talk to everyone via an intermediary. Sorta like when two people aren't talking to each other so they communicate via a third person. Do it for everyone.

68: grab a blind guy and spin him around ten times quickly.

69: Replace all the headache pills with Viagra. Ask your wife/girlfriend if they want to have sex… ("What's that? A headache? Oh you poor girl, here you go…" wink

68: Start a revolution.

69: Go skeet shooting with a bazooka.

70: I. Find someone (e.g. boss, teacher, secretary or a cop).
-----II. Ask how they're going or what they're doing.
-----III. When they reply, ask why.
-----IV. Repeat step III ad nauseum.

71: Invent a better mousetrap.

72: Pretend you're the sound guy from Police Academy.

73: Don a ninja suit and leap from rooftop to rooftop, seeking vengeance after the death of your goldfish. Make sure you have shurikens (ninja stars), a grappling rope, bear claws, caltrops (spiky things on the ground) and ninja flash powder (NINJA VANISH! BOOM!!!).

74: Find the upper limit to Tetris.

75: Map your home city into SimCity and see how it goes. Send a few hurricanes and earthquakes and laugh maniacally.

76: Prove that 1+1 = 2. It's harder than you think.

77: Summon up a demon.

78: Meditate until you have achieved a new plane of enlightenment or until you can levitate.

79: Laugh. Someone says hello, laugh. Boss just told you that you've got a 3 hour seminar due in ten minutes and it’s the first time you've heard about it? Laugh. A gang of angry homies advancing upon you with chains, knives and torture equipment? Laugh. Mum just fell onto the subway tracks and was crushed, ripped and smeared between two trains? Laugh. Got alligator clips attached to electrodes clamped onto your nipples and a motion detector switch that sets the current flowing? Laugh (no wait, don't laugh).

80: Find creative ways of using common household items as weapons. Or the other way around. I can just see the telemall ads now: Got wet clothes and no time to wait? Flamethrower them! Pesky rodents plaguing your home? Get a Uranium-238 warhead! Only $999,999.99! What would you pay for all this? Ten million? Twenty million? Not at Iraqi Express! Get this and the rest of the Saddam package for a low, low $9,999,999.99 (postage and packing 10% extra).

81: Get some paint and paint the entire shopping complex's parking spots "Disabled only".

82: Hire a wheelchair and find some hills.

83: Make a doctor's appointment. Turn up about half an hour early (meaning you'll see the Doc in about four hours). Make sure you have some headphones and a CD walkman. Listen and sing along to the music. Sing loudly and proudly. Make sure you close your eyes so you don't get distracted by the irate patients. It's also good to ignore the nurse. Security guards however…

84: Grab a whole tonne of furniture and stuff and make a delicately balanced stack. Make it so delicately balanced that attempt to dismantle your masterpiece without the expert hands of the bomb squad would result in it all collapsing. Make sure there is a lot of liquids in your sculpture (aquariums, bottles, milk trucks).

85: Sort everything you own. Arrange your whole life around this new order.

86: Scream like a banshee if someone puts something in the wrong place.

87: Give candy to strangers. If they take it, smack them in the head for forgetting what their mother said.

88: Perform a display of firewalking. Remember to take off your sneakers and put someone else's on.

89: Stir up newsgroups. Talk about how you think the government is going to round up everyone in the near future and put them into death camps if they don't conform to Bill Gates' totalitarian dictatorship. Make sure this message goes out to: rec.sports.hockey, alt.zen, comp.ai, sci.math and alt.christian.

90: Be an absolute no-brainer and go watch a movie solely to see the Star Wars prequel ad and leave after the trailer finishes. ("Gee seeing a trailer that goes for a few minutes for $10… That's a good way to save money" wink
Make up a music CD with a blank CD and a sharp piece of metal.

91: Pick a fight with a crocodile, sumo wrestler or priest. Do tag-team with your friend.

92: Get a Tamagotchi and a hammer. Hold the hammer threateningly over it and demand money or the virtual pet will get it.

93: Drive around backwards.

94: Arrange a duel. Bring along your weapon of choice (bazooka, chainsaw, satellite-mounted rail-gun).

95: Count 9 months back from your birthday. Interrogate your parents on what they were exactly doing at that time. ("On holidays you say? AHA! Caught you, you filthy people! Filthy, filthy, filthy!" wink

96: Help me out a bit. Read a few other articles. Read the Weird Ones. Hunt the Net for people who've stolen my work. Find mistakes. At least it'll make me happy.

97: No really, get a life. If you have read through each of the four hundred suggestions and are still bored, you have no inspiration, life and imagination. Anyway, if you've tried all this, why aren't you in jail or six feet under? (Oh… that explains why you're so bored)
Okay, so was this really a prequel? Nup. Does anyone care? Nup. You're bored and you know it. Go get a life. Or even better, run for Presidency or something.


I had alot of fun writing this. xd
Comment cause most of them (even if slightly vulgar) are ridiculously funny.