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05/09/2004 12:16 don't know how to start this, i can't evne remember all of it. I have a freidn, a very close and good friend who is in hospital 150 miles away because she has not been eating, hurting herself and passing out, the hospital is horrible to her, they don't let people see her half teh teim, they wont bandgade her wounds , thy questions her abotu things al teh eim, and they are allwys watching her. well yesterday afternoon/evening i was talking to her best friend on msn and she mentioned that she was going to e-mail her so i decided to e-mail her as well just finding out how she is feeling etc and she sounded okay at frist, tehn she started to sound more deppressed and her e-mails were gettin shorter, so her friend phoned her aswell( she wasn't answering her e-mails form her friend) and the e-mails kept getting worse, with her talking about no one loving her and wanting to go to hell, so i told her best friend about this and i said she should phone teh hospital and tell tehm to keep a watch over her which she did, but eth hospital siad tehy hadn't seen her for hours and we all started gettin really worried. I was teh only person in cnotact with her thourgh out most of this, i was trying to find out where she was and get her to get help, when she told me that some guy was with her and he had given her something, she told me she was still in teh hospital but she didn't know where in te hospital,. At this point amy had asked me to e-mail the one whos hurt brother so i did giveing ihma brief over view of what was hapening and he replyed askin to knwo more, so i told him to turn his phone on and told her best friend to phone him, by this point the police were also involved adn were looking for her. I got her best freind to phone her and the guy answered the phone, he was only 14 but i didn't know that at the time, and i was tellin her to tell him to get help as she was lying down adn he was writting the e-mails from what she told him, he had given her soem asprin or so he said, he ddin't knwo whee they were, so i told her to tell him to find some help, shout, scream, do anythin to draw attention to him self, so he ran off screaming for help, and found some guy, but he didn't remember where she was so he hung up and i kept talking to amy, by this time it was abotu 3 hours since it started i think her brother, the police, her friends and family and teh hospital were all lookin for her. In onoe of the e-mails she told em that she was bleding from her head and her arm, which scared teh hell out of me, she was sounding so distant, she did't knwo who i was or who she was, i had to remeind her every other e-mail who we both were, i hd asked her where she was lots of teims and she allways said seh didn't knwo so i starte asking if it was small? and if it was dark? in teh same e-mail i had sked her to gfind her brother adn she said she had seen him walk past eth window, i was pleading wth her to try adn find him but she woudln't in teh end i got her to tell me whre seh was GN35 is whre she said she was, and me and her best frined both thought it was a hospital ward number or something, so i told her ferind to pphone her brother and tell him, and to get everyone over to the hospiatl to find her, Her e-mials were gettingshorter adn she was clearly upset adn not sure what was goign on, she asked me to help her fin her real um who left her when she was a baby, then suddenly she stopped answering the e-mails, i was so scared, i thouoght she had dyed for sure, her friend was goign out of hr mind aswell, (this part is a bit hazy) I think her brother relissed taht seh wasn't in teh hospitak and that GN was teh name of grave yard adn 35 was the grave number, so he went there and she was ont eh floor wih 3 guys now and seh wasn't breathin (the laptop was no where near to be found), i found all thi out as he best freifn was on teh phone to her brother, i was crying form abtou that point onwards as i thought she was dead, (i don't knwo much of this part) they took her to the hoaptial a her broehter was stil on teh phone, and she said she could hear dostors in teh background al shouting tehn it went quite, that was when i started to relise taht she could or has died just now, osmeoen i love could have just died, then teh phone cut off, i persuaded her freidn to phone back and she got hr mum on the phone, who was crying a lot apparently and she told her that she was alive but had to use a machine to breath for her, i was still very scared but i thought at least she issn't dead, but then i started thinking what if she does die, she still could die adn i started writigng and e-mail to her thinking that I could save her if only i kept writing this e-mail because if i am writing to her then she has to rad it, or i would not be writing, all this tiem i was talkign to her freind on msn, adn trying to find out what was going, on, her friend told me that she had to go see her and i asked her not to adn to saty here because i would have no way of finding out what was goign on otherwise and she stayed for awhile, by this point i was in denyal abotu teh whole thing and slightyl hysteriacal, tehn after talking abtou ti and her with her friend , not for long she said sh really had to go and see her, so she left ad i gave her my umber to phone if anythin hapened which she promised she would. then i was left alone, i had no oen around me and no on to talk to, i kept writing this e-mail to her, abotu how she was, how she was feelign, why abotu how mucgh i loved her adn how we all love her, abtou teh whole thign that had happened becasue she prob wont be able to remember any of this i was crying so much that the e-mail just looked like a messof letters in seom places btu i kept writing, it was abtou 3 in teh mornin that i stopped writing adn didn't think i could do any more, i knew that writing the e-mail couldn't be helping but i was scared to stop, it was my last line to her and i had to leave it. i made a copy of teh e-mail saved it into somewhere important so i wouldn't ever lose it and sent one copy to her, alough she wont be able to read it for sometime. I tried to just sit down and relaz but i couldn't all i could see was a picture of her laying by this grave not breathing or i could hera teh lines of text i sent her in e-mails being said ot what she sent me being said in my head, i knew i could do no good now, so i had to do somethign, i knew i would never sleeep unless i did somethin so i cut, it wasa stupid thing to do but i felt like i had to do it, nd it helpd, teh pain helped me to forget about her and everythin that had happened, i tried reading a book abotu got through aboru 3 chapters before my arm stopped bleeding adn the pain started to go away, and i had to think abotu it again, thre was so much going through my head hat i couldn't focus on one thing by it self, i turned teh light off and fell asleep, holding my pillow and crying...

I had to write this i'm sorry everyone, i had to write this in case i ever forget it i was told teh police will need my e-mials, my msn convosation and a statement from me, i'm still worreid abtou her, it's the mornin after al this now. and i have had no news.

Please can you all pray for er even if you hate god or don't belive in him, please can you pray for her, i will go my church later on today i think and pray for her there

There was one point whrer i thought it was al fake, ad it was all a lie i couldn't understand why tehy would do it but i was so sure, the they both were talkin to me atteh sme tiem so i got over taht bit...taht would prob be denyal


I love you, please wake up for me x x x x x x

Sent: 06/09/2004 23:43
I've spent the evening talking to her brother, abotu her mainly, i tled to her for a bit on msn, she told me she is going to kill herself, that she hd a drema abotu me last nigth and i ws hurtin her she doesn't have any memory of the wohle thing, she went intoa coamer and she doens' remember any of it, they arn't telling me thins, they saw i don't need to know , seh wa pregnant, i had been told she had got rid of teh baby, but she hand't she lost it when all this hapened, i have been told that someone one is coming to get her and my friend. They wont get me, i knwo it, if she isn't at scholl 2mo, i'm not staying there, i'm goin to find somewhere else to think abtou things, i need to get my head sorted, and i can't because they arnt telling me things.


I don't knwo what to do, she woulnd't belive me abotu her e-mails me thorugh out teh whole thing and when i proved it she went mentla at me, screaming at me and telling me she hates me . I want to die, but if i can still help her then i can't, but it seems like i can't help her at all, it seems like i am making things worse.

I don't know what to do, Plz help me

i printed off al the e-mails we sent each other, over 100 of them, i told her i would send ehm to her but seh siad there is o point as se wont be there, seh told me seh will be watchin over me fomr heaven....


I can't belive this is real, non of it makes sense, it just can't be real, i keep having this thought that it is all a scam by her to get back at me for god knows what, but it's hurting me so much.


How can they get her and take her to see her and not me?
what if that is all a lie as well, and they arn't going to get her at all?

She lives 150 miles away and i have no money, how am i meant to go see her?

She wont even want to see me anyway she hates me!

I want to be angry at her but i can't be.
She wouldn't even tel me why she answered my E-mails and not anyone elses?

I don't want to be going through this anymore, it's too much

please help me!

From: She_wrote_it_Hallelujah_ Sent: 13/09/2004 00:25
She tried to kill herself last night again, her father told me that he doen think i am to blame for all of this somewhat, i asked him if he thought i was to blame, I'm talking to her now, she wont belive me that i love her. Her brother is stopping some people from talking to me now. She has written over 3000 poems and things to me, 3000 I've printed out some hat she has sent to me an di have them pinned on my wall now, they are amazing. She says she's not feeling well at the minute, and i've asked her to get someone to look at her..


Sorry for writing all this in here, but it just seems to help to have somewhere to write things down.


My friends told the school about me cutting myself, they want me to see the doctor! i don't want to see anyone but they say i need help, as screwy as this sounds, i don't want help, i want to se where my life leeds without others tryin to change me, now i get called down to front office in the mornings half the time to see the deputy head who knws about it and she asks me who i am, can someone tell me what kind of powers the school has, if i refuse treatment?

"she is really ill as well as depressed, she has hads 5 ops so far because she is not well i dont know what it is called that she has got but i know it can kil her .... she is upset because she found out she is a adopted and she is upset because she loves u and u dont love her like she does bout u....tim has just asked her out....she is upset because of her family and she has lost a child , she got rapped she got forced into other stuff....she now takes drugs to stop her from killing herself....do u want me to carry on cos there is more"

"yeah i found her....she had gone to bed....i heard her shout me and i came in to see if she was ok and i found her layin on the bed , i said are u ok and she said yeah just cold and feel sick and i said ill shut the window then i looked at her and i felt her head and it was ******** boling hott so i opend the window and pressed the red button, and loads of docs came in saying as she been near any flashing lights and asking my loads of questions i didnt know i was next door , i feel helpless"

The last two posts, were exact qoutes from her brother as to what is wring with he



I@ve been talkign to ehr on MSN for hours adn she was saying her lsat good byes to me, I tried everything I could to stop her from killing herself,But i don't think it has worked at all, i can't even listen to a song seh sent me any more"Not a day goes by" i listened to it once this morningand was intears instantly, I want to die, so all thsi will just stop, i knwo exactually how she feels, no one cares abotu any of us. Her brother has blocked me form everyone's msn that she knows. And now i don't knwo how to feel, i wont sleep well, i have that blood thing where you have low iron aswell, anomeia or what ever it's called, I just want to go and stop all of this from ever hapening again, She's goin to kill herself and i fel guilty for not crying while i write this but i hae been crying so much as it is, I dno't feel anything at the minute, i'm numb inside, i need to forget all of this, and i have no idea how, i might just go to school 2mo and TAlk to someoen about it, i have a friend who might understand, I talk to her a lot as it is, but i'm not sure

Sent: 14/09/2004 07:59
I've been compleatly cut out from it all, maybe that's a good thing, but she told me the only reason she's still alive was me, she was staying alive to be in love with me. She said if she hadn't met me then she would have died a long time ago.


I want to ask anyone reading this that if they ever hear the song "not a day goes by" that they think of charlotte for me. if any one wishes to have a copy of the song i can send them one via msn mlharding@fsmail.net



I don't know if she's dead or alive and i don't know if i will ever know.

I need to get some help, but i don't know where to go or who to talk to

Sent: 14/09/2004 23:29
Someone who loves hr asked her out and she said yes, i couldn't be happier, abotu it alough my mother si giving me the i care speach right now about me self harming, now she' gone all silent adn it's weird, i don't like it , i want her to just go back to bed and stop this, now she acting like nothing hapens, she told me she I seem angry at her but then she does thigns like that and it makes me even more angry with her, she told me she does things to get a reaction out fo me and then she complains to me for reacrting !!!!!!
anyway this guy wil look after her i knwo he will look after ehr, i als found out taht she was abaondened by her mother when she was 2, she has a older brother liam but he was left witha different family and her adn jason who is 2 years older thatn her were brought up together. OMG i'm talking to him and he doesn't even know how old she is He says he loves her but he only met her last week! He wont look after her, he is freaked out by the fact that she si 16, he's 18 on this sunday, i'm 16 on this friday, this is not going to be good, i can feel it.

She has a 95% chance of dyeing......That's one reason why she wants/wanted to kill herself because she doesn't want to dye a slow painfull death, i can't blame her, i would perfer slow and painfull myself. She seems okay but i'm not there adn i don't think i'm being told everything again.

I feel bad for feeling good, It's like now she has someoen else she wont need me.

Alough i think our friendship isn't going to be there anymore if she lives throught this. She said her final good bye to me yesterday and we both started crying.

I don't want to lose her but i think it might be for the best

I don't knwo what to say anymore, He is telling me who hot she is and i just cna't listen to it.

Sent: 21/09/2004 08:01
WEll i told her everything abotu me and abotu how and who i am...........and she ran away basically. Everyone allways seem tro leave me, that's why i like it here becasue people don't just leave you. Hopefully she wont be in contact, i don't want someone who runs away from me in contact with me.

Sent: 21/09/2004 20:47
SO i've spent the whole day jumping around because i've felt like somethin is pulling me ina direction or down/up It's been really bad, i have heard voices again, (first time in abotu 5 months) and i turned around tryingto stab them, They keep pushing me about,,,,,,,help

Sent: 08/10/2004 19:31
Oka,y i kind of got ina fight today at school, This guy who everyone hates and is a totaly wanker to everyone, he is sucha player, using some of my closet friends for sex. And for the last few months, me and a girl he was going out for a good few months clsoe to 6 I think have been getting really close, and at the same time he's been getting worse, thorwing stuf at me adn her, rocks etc Shouting abuse at me and/or her and over teh last few weeks he's been getting his little brother to start on me and s**t, Kicking me etc, well today i'd had enough, he throw a rock at me and it hit me in the head, he shouted abuse at me and got his brother to to kisk./hit me abotu 5 times, in teh end i grabbed his brother (too hrad i knwo now but i couldn't help it) and throew him inot one of Simons few mates, tehn simon strat shouting at me to leave him alone adn squares up to me, so i strating shouting back abotu stop getitng you brother to do your work, Say s**t to my face and not behind me, we stared at each other for abotu 2-3 seconds (felt like 20-30 minutes) and just as i was about to hit him/headbut him One fo his mates (not so god mate) puled me away fomr his and got in bewtween us, i was GEtitng really mad, i was seriously ready to kick the s**t out of him by then, but his mate woudn't let me near him, I walked off (thank god) i was just shaking with anger at that point, i was ready to kil; him, I had to go to my next lesson, so i found this guy i knwo And went wiht him, He was trying to calm me down, andyway i went o my lesson, but half way throught i was stl ******** angry at him, I went to the Bathroom and CUt teh s**t out fo myarm again, I had to wear my blazer all day to hide the blood. I cut really deep, i have never cut so deep before, apart form once adn that was over a week ago and it still hasn't healed, my arm has ben hurting since, and that was about 8 hours ago. I'm still angry now but i feel so ashamed for Gettin so angry, i felt wild, it scared me and tehn Cutting because of someone else directly, he may as well have been holding the blade in his hand. It's scareing me now remembering it, i don't like this

Sent: 12/10/2004 20:15
Today at school i was jumped by 3 guys in my year, i managed to fend them off. they didn't even get me to the floor. I don't know why they did it It's not fair. I'm the most hated guy in my school, everyone agrees to that. I've got about 20 people all in one gang who want to kil me and will most likly try it, i'm afraid to go out incase i run into them cos i know they wil try something.
I hada realy bad today, i don't knwo why, I felt like killing myself almost all day. i had cut just before i was jumped, so i didn't feelt o bad abotu it. but no one came ot hlep me, no one, i ws right in a middle of a group of people and not one of them even tried to help me . then one of my best mates nearly got in a fight then did but i wasn't there to help him out. I wore this braclett of razor blades most of the day, i just wanted them to go into my wrist, but they didn't. i cut about 6 times today overall and wil again before i go to bed tonight.
No one cares or loves me, they didn't even notice me crying
I hate it all, i want it all to go away.
I keep seeing myself dying all the time, killing myself, the images are comming far too eaisly to be normal. no one understand.

I think it was simon who got them to do it, now i have half the school who want to kill me.

Sent: 27/10/2004 09:23
about 4 days ago, my mum said "I don't give a ******** s**t about you" and that i should "piss off". i hate her at times. Last night i had to go out for a family meal, i hated it, tehy were all pretending that everything was normal and that nothing ws wrong, totaly ignoring things taht are going on and that have hapened in the past.

2 people in my family have tried to kill them self
2 people have practissed cutting
2 have tried to kill others
3 peole have had eaten disorders
2 people have been in a mental hospital

is that normal?

_ Sent: 29/10/2004 11:44
Final Report for Martin
Dear Physician,

Your patient has some concerns regarding his health and has completed a survey. The survey is designed to assist you in your diagnosis of anxiety disorder, depression, and/or dysthymia and should not to be considered a substitute for your opinion or advice. Based on his responses to this survey, your patient has reported the following information:


He has reported agoraphobic avoidance without meeting DSM-IV criteria for panic.

He :

Has experienced anxiety about going to or being in places or situations because of fear or having an anxiety attack, fear of not being able to escape in the event of an anxiety attack, or fear that help would not be there if needed.
Avoids places or situations because of fear of having an anxiety attack, or fear that help would not be there if needed, or because of feeling "uncomfortable".
Fears or avoids the following situations:
being away from home
standing in line
elevators
parking garages
bridges
tunnels
exposed places
malls
stores
auditoriums or stadiums
grocery stores / supermarkets
restaurants
crowds
flying
riding in cars on busy roads
driving a car at any time
driving a car on busy roads
Reports that fear or avoidance of the above situations results in moderate / medium interference in normal daily life.
NOTE: It should be noted that although your patient did not meet DSM-IV criteria for panic, symptoms of panic may have been reported. Agoraphobic avoidance without a history of panic is thought to be quite rare.

He has reported a fear of public speaking.

He :

Reports of having excessive fear or avoidance of social or work situations because of a fear of embarrassment, humiliation, or judgment (evaluation).
Reports of avoiding speaking in public for fear of embarrasment, humiliation, or judgement (evaluation).
Reports that the above avoidance of public speaking results in considerable / much interference in normal daily life.
He has reported social anxiety in a number of social and performance situations.

He :

Reports of having excessive fear or avoidance of social or work situations because of a fear of embarrassment, humiliation, or judgement (evaluation).
Reports of avoiding speaking in public for fear of embarrassment, humiliation, or judgement (evaluation).
Reports of avoiding the following situations for fear of embarrassment, humiliation, or judgement (evaluation):
speaking or performing in front of others
dealing with people in authority
talking to strangers
being observed (watched) while eating or drinking
social gatherings / parties
dating situations
being observed (watched) while working
being the center of attention
Reports that the avoidance of the above situations results in considerable / much interference in normal daily life.
He has reported a number of symptoms of generalized anxiety.

He :

Reports worrying constantly about several different themes for the past six months or more.
Reports worrying much more then most other people about things such as work, school, family, finances or health.
Is experiencing these worries for most of the time, on most days.
Is having difficulty controlling theses worries and/or reports that they interfere with concentration or productivity.
Reports that when feeling anxious or worried they:
feel restless, keyed up, or on edge
feel tense
feel tired, weak, or easily exhausted
feel irritable
have difficulty concentrating, or find your mind going blank
have difficulty sleeping
Reports that the above result in considerable / much interference in normal daily life.
He has reported a number of symptoms of post-traumatic stress.

He :

Has experienced, witnessed, or been involved in a traumatic or life threatening event.
Reports that during this traumatic event there was a feeling of fear, hopeless, helplessness, or terror.
Reports that since the event has:
re-experienced the event in disturbing ways such as dreams, memories, flashbacks, or physical reactions
avoided thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the event
avoided activities, places, or people that remind you of the event
been less interested in your normal work, hobbies, or social activities
felt detached, apart, or estranged from others
felt emotionally numb or less able to have feelings
felt that your life will be shorter because of the traumatic event
had difficulty sleeping
been especially irritable or had angry outbursts
had difficulty concentrating
felt constantly keyed up, nervous, or "on guard"
been easily startled
Reports having experienced the above symptoms for more than 1 month, less than 1 year .
Reports that the experience has resulted in considerable / much interference in normal daily life.
He has reported a number of chronic depressive symptoms.

He :

Has felt depressed, sad, or flat for most of the day for at least two weeks.
Has lost interest or pleasure in things usually enjoyed, and this has been happening for two weeks or more.
Has experienced a constant low mood and irritability for at least two weeks.
Reports feeling the following for the past two weeks or more:
sleeping more or less
talking or moving more slowly
feeling tired or having low energy
having difficulty making decisions or concentrating
feeling guilty or worthless
thinking a lot about hurting yourself
wishing for death or feeling suicidal
Reports that feeling depression or a loss of usual pleasures or interests results in extreme / severe interference in normal daily life.
Reports that this feeling of depression results in considerable / much distress .

Sent: 01/11/2004 13:16
okay yesterday being hallowean. me and some friends went out in teh evening 6 of us (me, Mike,Chris,Hanah,Kim and sophie) . we had this big bottle of cider(7.5%)
(3 L).to share, i ended up drinking half of it myslf. which Had me on my way lol. then we got this guy (random guy) to buy us some more, he got us 3 bottles of it, So it was 1 between 2 then, we went over to this field and started drinking it. this is where things get a bit Fuzzy for me lol. I remember talking to kim about Chris (Cos she's in love wiht him), Hanah sitting on me a few times (She didn't want to do anything Because sophie Still loves me). ERm I remember talking to sophie (about me the me, han, her issue).
Then i remember wanting to kill myself and relissing i was drunk enough to do it now. So i tried to get my razor out from my phone, but i dropped my phone, then was sitting down on the floor trying to find it. (I think one of them knew by then what I was trying to do). Then i remember running off and falling down this Big ditch (This is where i'm really not sure anymore) . erm theey found me, Some one called Sally was there then , They told her about me Being sucidal and that i hurt myself. Which at the time was all i could think about. I remember crying, saying i wanted to die and shouting out over and over again "Just Give me something sharp". ERm now from what i've been told after that, i ended up in someones garden, banging my head against the concret floor. then apartently my mum Was there and She got me home where i was Sick a lot. i don't remember but i was Telling them to leave me alone And to ******** off, My mums friend was there as well.I remember her voice more than others. erm so yeh then i woke up at 7:00 And stayed in bed untill 12:00 (******** school) Now i'm writing this and wondering if my friends will still accept me anymore.

Sent: 31/12/2004 00:25
My fiend killed herself, the one the main post is about, i found out tonight, i was the last friend she talked to and my name was the last thing she ever wrote

Sent: 18/01/2005 18:07
********, IT WASN'T REAL, SHE ******** LIED AND HER FRIEND, SHE'S NOT ******** DEAD, HANNAH (MY GIRLFFRIEND) TALKED TO HER LAST NIGHT