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Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to give up? One of those days when you decide it’s not worth getting up and going through the same routine that you do every day? Well, today is the day. I refuse to do what I used to, I refuse to get up and get mistreated and abused, I refuse to let people walk all over me and not apologize. I will no longer make my own choices. I am letting him take over for a while and trust me, he doesn’t like ignorance nor does he let people walk all over him and let it go.
If you know me well enough then you know whom I’m talking about and you also know that who I’m talking about means serious business. You will no longer know the sweet understanding Mark you used to know. No longer will there be compassion or empathy. No more floor mat to walk on or a shoulder to cry on, he has no patience for the weak and can’t stand being the one everyone goes to for help. I am letting my true nature show and it all starts tomorrow and after that you are all on your own.
For those of you that I love and appreciate I am truly sorry for what I have to do but I can’t stand being a floor mat for everyone else to walk all over. I will miss you all for the time that I am absent and I will long for your embrace once more. I hope that you will understand that I have to do what I have to do in order to stop what I am going through. If I live like this much longer I will break and there will never be a loving person to go back to. You will never know who I am again because if I break he is released forever and there will never be love for you all.
As I write this I am crying on the inside but I am determined to get over what I have and consider a disease. I hate to subject you all to him but there are strong reasons for what I am about to do. Trust that it hurts me far more than it will all of you because I will be subject to watch all of you as he masquerades around in me as me. I wish I didn’t have to do this because I will miss you all more than you can even imagine.
There are a few people I need to address in this before I decide to go and leave you all to a hopeless me. Jessie (hope I spelt that right) I hope that you will not forget how I really am and I wish you the greatest luck with whatever you decide to pursue. I don’t want you to see me as “just they guy that used to live down the street from me.” but as a person that cared what you thought and how you felt. I also hope that you find what you are looking for no matter what it may be.
Julia, I hope that you will respect my decision and that you won’t stop loving me for doing what I thought was necessary. Even as I lie dormant inside of my own body I will watch you with all the love that I posses no matter the situation. If you see the need to dump me in my dormant state I want you to know that I will always love you even if you never want to talk to me as long as we shall live. I just want you to remember that no matter how angry you may be at me.
Even though I know she will never read this or at least I don’t think she will. Kelsey, I told you many things when we where dating but I want you to know that I never lied when I said I love you. I also never lied when I said I would never stop loving you, proof of that shows in the way I was talking on the net after we broke up. I know that how I dumped you was probably the most rude thing I could have done but it would have hurt so much more if I would did it the right way. Even today I still am heart broken and depressed at the fact that I broke up with you in the first place and even more so at the fact that I did it the wrong way. As I said before… I will always love you till the day I die and it wouldn’t surprise me if I love you still after tat.
Jen, I hope you find a person that is going to treat you right no matter how you act or dress and that they will love you for you. You should always believe yourself as beautiful even if others don’t think so, it’s what you think not what others think they think. You need to bring up your self-esteem and believe in yourself, don’t let others bring you down. I know tons of people that would agree with me when I say you are more beautiful than you think you are.
Emi, I have messed up with you so any times that it isn’t funny. I have, from what I hear from others, upset you in so many ways and done so many things to make you angry or sad that it is almost pitiful. I am sorry for all the s**t I have put you through and I am also sorry for all the things I should have done instead. I wish I could go back and change those things but that would be a very difficult task and I would probably screw things up even more. Know that what others think doesn’t matter it’s only what you think, sounds simple but for some people it is hard to condition themselves to do that. I wish you luck in finding someone that is right for you but you shouldn’t be in a hurry because for most people it takes a life time to find their true mate.
Chris, you are my best friend and I know that you won’t be pushed back by the actions of my “true” self. You have been around him almost as often as my immediate family (dad, sister, mom, brother, etc.). You know as well as they do that if you anger him you will be in a world of trouble but other wise he is slightly nice to you. Know that I will be out of this crap in a few weeks or so if things go good but other wise expect him for a top of three months. I choose to start tomorrow because of my aunts’ birthday today and I don’t want to ruin anything with her or my cousins.
Now to all the rest of you since time is a bit of an issue right now. The only advice I can give you is to make sure you don’t anger him in any way shape or form. If you can avoid his bad side you will be safe from his wrath which I don’t wish upon any of you. I hope you can stay off of his bad side but sometimes it is unavoidable, if that happens the best thing to do is to separate yourself from him and hope you didn’t piss him off too much. If you did you will know because he will never forgive you and will hold a grudge against you until you do something to make him forgive you in some way. I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with him and I hope to speak to you again in a few weeks. I love you all… don’t forget “me”.

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