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My life is officially sinking to a new low.

I'm more depressed then I think I've ever been.

I'm starting to have dreams about keiki, and they turn into nightmares.

At first it's totally romantic, all that lovey-dovey bullshit that I lap right up.

And then it changes.

'Cuz right after I kiss her, it all stops.

Her breath, it's sweet for a second, and then it starts tasting like Mike's whiskey. And then she has to leave, and then it all melts and I can't remember it from there.

And I tell myself every time I think about it, bullshit, teen-love doesn't last anyway, you're not losing anything. And then I start thinking about everything. I'm not gonna see Amanda again before I leave, Ella hates me now, Keiki's standoffish, Bethany keeps making cracks about how pathetic I am, Bethanie just ignores me, Dad hates me.

Dad hates me, I think that's the biggest one.

To him, I'm like a failure. I'm the kid he wished he'd never had. Without me, he coulda just left and got a divorce already. I'm the dumbass of the group. I'm lazy, I can't do it right.

Christ, Mike and Angel were in college, earning credit, getting their degrees by my age, and I haven't even passed my SATs, I'm nowhere even remotely close. And he looks at me, and every time I look in his eyes, he doesn't even need to say anything, it just screams right in my face, "You good for nothing little b*****d, everything's fine, and then you come along, you're another mouth to feed,you're an expense, and that's it."

And every time I think about that, it just tears me to pieces, because I don't know if it's true or not, but I do know that I'm a real whiny little baby. I shouldn't have this many problems, I'm a ******** 13-year old. I'm stupid, I'm worthless, I should have overcome all this bullshit already.

And on top of it, I can't even draw anymore. It's just gone. The inspiration isn't there anymore. I hate everything I draw, I can't even stand to look at it. I just tear it apart, and I'm forgeting all the steps, and it's all just wrong.

And I know I shouldn't even be worried, I can't change this, what happens'll happen. But I can't think like that. I just can't. I know there are people worse off than me, I know my problems don't matter, and I know that above all, I'm a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things, and nothing I do will ever matter.

But I just can't stop from thinking like this, I just can't. I'm so ******** depressed I can't stand it. I'm so ******** angry at myself, at the world, at god, at my family, at my inspiration, at my muse, at every single tiny insignificant thing, that it just throws me into a vortex of... what? Sadness? Being a total idiot? An emo? A whiner? Is that all I'm good for in life?

God I'm such a little b*****d.