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I really hate highschool... and I can't wait to graduate.

Everyone around me is so immature, I hate feeling like the stiff one. When I hang out with my college friends we have fun without laughing about drag queens' vaginas... but they're all off in the real world.

I'm tired of the dumbass slackers who have everything without lifting a finger. I have to work hard to get where I am. I have to balance practice and work and school and meetings and conferences and what not else to please everyone and survive this shitty life.

I hate the men in my life. Those who I admire, would never give me a second glance. Those who I'd rather not get close to for my own saftey as well as theirs, are all over me. Those who I like, are off limits because I don't really fit into their world or their beliefs. Those who I gave up on, finally came around, but I just don't feel the same about them anymore. Those who I love play with me, toy with my heart, and cast me aside as soon as someone with bigger boobs or a brighter personality comes around. I swear I'm capable of loving, but because of this, I just can't open up quick enough to hold their interests. So I'm still sad and alone.

My friends... I talk to a few occasionally, but other than that... nih. Of the four that I talk to, two are cousins. How sad is that? But you know, they're really the only ones who understand where I'm coming from. And they're the only two people in my life who I've been friends with since birth, let alone more than four years. So few people care about me anymore I've just been shutting everyone who doesn't understand out of my life.

This school year, I've hung out with everyone but my highschool friends. This is our last year together and none of them really want to get out. I've gone dancing in Vestal twice, to the movies four or five times, mall a few times, and just cruising around hang out at friends houses... and none of this with highschool friends. It seems my friends would rather sit around at home than go out on Saturday nights...

... maybe I'm just getting into the whole college party mood too early, but whatever. I'm enjoying myself.

And because of that (and myspace too), I've met some of the most awesome people ever. It surprising that I've been going to the same school, in the same tiny town, and not really know half these people. I guess it's because everything here is so cliquey. Chris pointed that to me.

You see, in my school we don't really have the extremely exclusive and biased cliques that other schools have. If your a jock and he's a freak and you both like the same video game, you can sit at the same lunch table and hang out together without anyone batting an eye. So instead of a a popularity hierarchy, cliques are formed on interests and what not..

I hang out with a bunch of academic, band geek seniors. We care about school work and enjoy being band geeks... but within my small group of friends, only one shares my same love of running and working one's a** off, another in my love of classic novels and literature, and my beloved Bridget who is so different yet similar to me, we just click.

But you know, I really think I need more than that. I need to be around people who don't hate me for being distant and synical at times, who actually encourage me to get it out of my system instead of giving up on me and avoiding me, who I can cry to hardcore emo music with, and who don't encourage me to be different than who I am. I just want to be me. I'm tired of conforming. I'm tired of the hypocracy. And I'm sick and tired of highschool.

After graduation, I'll find out who my real friends are. They'll be the ones I keep in touch with, instead of losing... Hell, there are some I've lost already, but because I'm stuck seeing them at school everyday, I just can't get away. When I'm in one of those moods, I like to refer to them as the bad pennies of my life....

I love you Bridget, you're always there when I need you and I hope despite my recent mood swings, I've been keeping up my end of the deal. And Carmen and Lys, you two rawk my socks... Love you two guildies!

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