Well, what've I been up to? I've actually been pretty content.
... and Lord, it's taken a lot to come this far. I've worked my butt off all my life, but never has it been so stressful, so trying, and so goddamn insane as it is this year. It seems everything is different... though there are definitely a couple major contributers to that....
First of all, just last week I found out that I have been on anti-depressant placebos since the beginning of the school year. Why they thought that was a good idea, I have no clue.. but sweet hell, I hate them all. The first three months of school were sooo hard and I had no idea why. I was always upset and I couldn't handle the problems I've learned to cope with over the past six years... and it just didn't make sense. I couldn't understand why things weren't working out for me, why I had to cry myself to sleep every night, and why I hated everything that used to make me happy... And it was all because they feared I was becoming dependant on the pills so they figured they'd ween me from them first with dilluted perscriptions and then with straight placebos.
I guess I understand they're reasoning, but why would they decide to do that to me at the most stressfull time of the year? Are they seriously that dumb? I dunno... at anyrate, besides the constant stress bearing down on me with school, extracurricular, and house work, things are almost completely better....
Mike's a major contributer... I dunno how or why it happened, but we're together. I guess it went like this:
At the beginning of the school year when I was depressed and hateful and completely emo, my cousin moved back to town and joined us at our lunch table. His emoness attracted other emo to join us from time to time. Other emo just so happened to be Mike, who was also in my Cpd and whatnot. Mike instantly became a regular at our table and I began talking to him outside of school too. He's really open, so I knew all about his love life from day one. He liked a girl, who liked him back, but was going out with another guy. But of course, faithful Mike was still devoted to her... and because of this, I forced myself to think of him as nothing more than a buddy. It took a lot of convincing and the flirting really drove me nuts, but I managed to stay un-crushed for the longest time, while he told me of his lusts and longings... Then one day, out of the blue, he said he liked me and I liked him back, and two weeks later we were going out....
So yeah, we're going out... I dunno. My feelings for him yo-yo, and it's insane. Some days he's just way too close and his obsessive possessiveness kinda turns me off. Yet, I love the way he makes me feel... I love talking to him... and I love being with him. I guess I just don't love the whole having a boyfriend part. I dunno.. this is new to me. I went out with a couple guys this summer but nothing was really awkward when we decided we were better off being friends... but Mike is actually my boyfriend, not just a casual date.
I really want to be with him, but sometimes I'm just so confused and I hate to be stiff when he's all for this. I don't want to hurt him with my occasional distance, but I'm still me, an individual person... not a couple. Is it possible to be both? I know it is... all the happy couples I know are two individuals who are just more than friends.
Mike and I are so different... and everyone is constantly pointing that out to me... so maybe I'm just letting their opinions damper my judgement... but like Trina said, I should wait to see this through when I'm not so confused about other stuff...
... like ENGLISH! Okay, last year's seniors told us AP English sucked a**, but I had no idea it would be this bad. She's crazy, unreasonable, and probably the only reason I wish I were still on anti-depressants (at least the dilluted stuff...) because some days I just can't handle it.
It's funny, but the meds seemed to controll more than just my depression. They suppressed my obsessive-compulsive tendancies... which I have had all my life, but starting six years ago, they disappeared and I couldn't understand why. They also tame all my emotions from nervousness, to rage, and even joy.... things that you forget about. And because of this, I can go from being perfectly content, to being completely confused and frusterated with my stupid English teacher...
She's crazy.
Period.
But yeah, other than school work (which I still spend approx. 4 hrs a night on) I'm pretty content. Kudos to my friends, who've stuck with me through think and thin and have loved me through it all. Kudos to Mike, who's somehow made me happy. And kudos to the world for tollerating me.... if I were you, I woulda killed me... not only to put me out of my misery but also so I wouldn't have to put up with me.
Things that make me *gasp* Happy:
1. Mike
2. Chillin' wid muh homies
3. Making district band
4. Beating Stacey and becoming number 8 runner (soooo close to being seven)
5. Completing assignments
6. Getting things done on time
7. Getting things done ahead of time
8. The college recommendations my teachers wrote (I cried)
9. My clarinet
10. Icecream
11. Keeping my calorie count down (lost a ton of weight)
12. Living to see another day when I know that at any moment, I have the choice to end it, but I choose not to.
I will survive this school year... I'll claw my way through if I have to... but I will make it. There's always a way... And I can do it.
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