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If ever I've been able to get how depression feels, this is it, and I don't really know why. I've preached and preached endlessly how a simple change in your outlook on life can change how you live it, and for the most part I'm spot on right, I do generally influence the outcome of my feelings and how they play out in my days. But right now, at 11:55 PM in Northbrook Illinois, miles away from home, I'm realizing that for the first time in a great long while, I'm truly sad. I don't mean I'm a bit miffed that I missed out on going out with friends to a football game, or even one of my pets died sad... The whole world just seems dim right now, it bothers me, this hasn't happened to me since middle school. It appears to me that introspective thought (the killer of so many angsty teens quite like myself right now) has brought this on. More than ever, I'm thinking about my biological father, and what I've lost not having him, I still don't have him, and he's as useful as a father as a carton of ciggarettes and a bottle of Vodka to a me, I don't smoke or drink, he doesn't support me or for that matter converse with me, ever. This hasn't bothered me for the few years I've known him, I've simply seen it as an opportunity to see what not to do, I won't make a mistake and then leave a kid out to dry, I'm his mistake, and I've dried to roughness now, that's what he left behind. The ever optomistic self wants to believe I'll be better than him, but what I fail to see on a regular basis is that I focus to the point of tunnel vision on his face, and it makes my blood boil, a better person makes this does not. How even now he can act non-chalant around me, even when I simply emenate anger, hatred even, towords the man, the fact that he has still never once said sorry, not even in passing, which is just about all I'd need to forgive him.

I see, when I examine myself, an extremely socially handicapped individual. I don't make friends well, and those I do make I cling on to for dear life, for they are my life. I do have off hand some thirty or so aquaintances whom I would gladly accept as friends if they were that sort of people, I can only depend on... three truely great (And you should probably know who you are) people in this life as true friends. I find myself attracted to all sorts of people (not that way, I think I look more actively for possible friends than women) who don't really like me, or who don't know I want to get to know them, I usually choke and spew out an insult or poorly put together joke which immediately turns them away from me. This infuriates me because generally I know they're into the same sort of stuff I am, whether it be games, anime, movies, or music, especially music, I think I have ties in that to practically the whole school (minus rap I guess).

A friend of mine said the other day, "I'm thinking, and I think that's not good for me", I guess I know what she was going through in her mind now. I'm thinking what I said about myself all these years, all about being a good person, how I'm fine with myself, all that, how I think now that was bull, that sucks for at least one person other than myself, because I told that person how that was the end all be all solution to any sort of issues you might be having, just keep telling yourself you're a good person, and eventually, even though you might not get it just yet, you will get yours, it's coming. Well heres the straw that broke the camel's back for me, I asked myself, "Just when do I get a dad?" Because no matter what, that's what I've really wanted, and needed all these years, and I haven't gotten one, and once I'm eighteen, I loose any opportunity for one. I've only got 2 years left until that time.

I spoke earlier of music, and that reminds me of something else that's sort of disturbing me, I'm listening to sadder and sadder music, themes of abandonment, despair, and I know I wouldn't unless it helped me take my mind off of things.

This is all surreal, in a way, because I know I'm a happy person, and that person is still in me...


I need to wrap this up, I'm sorry to anyone who reads this, everyone needs an outlet, here it is. I also don't want anyone worrying about me, I'm still sane, just sad, or at least I have, for some period of time, been able to take off what ever shades I had on, and I saw what was right in front of me, that sucks... I can definitavely say that the world is not worth looking straight at, being a realist simply resigns yourself to continual dissapointment and sadness, once I'm out of this funk, I'm going to promise myself that I wont do this to myself again, I'm just going to have to forget about what does this to me, I think I'll be better then...

_/__Matt_/__________

Clever little EKG (The heartrate monitor thing, you should know what I mean everyone) thingy don't you think?

ps Sorry for the novel.