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It has been awhile and, reading my olf entries here leaves me with several feelings. Obviously, many of my old entries were written when I was still lamenting the loss of my marriage. Divorce sucks. It's hard. It's even harder when you have no closure and you refuse to accept the signs that point to the person you thought was the love of your life cheating on you.
But...it does get better.

I think it was maybe a year after the Divorce from my ex wife that I woke up and realized that I wasn't crying anymore. I realized I could listen to any song on the radio and not sit there and wonder why I was not good enough. The feelings of wanting to be "better" for her were gone, and all that was left was the anger that she wanted to blame me for our marriage failing...and she wanted to spread lies on top of it all. But even that anger barely reared its ugly head. It was also pretty telling when I lay dying in a hospital, two days away from death that she wanted to make it more clear that our divorce was actually "finalized" and that I would be getting papers soon rather than apologize since the issue could have been fixed sooner had she not tried to convince me that all the pain I had been feeling was in my head and not my gallbladder killing itself.

Anyways...

After all of that...a relationship was the last thing on my mind. For most of my life, I have always been "dating" someone. Every year in elementary school, I had a boyfriend. Same in middle school. Same in high school. My first serious relationship was when I was 18 and Taz was 22 and ever since then I had constantly been at someone's side or sitting on their back burners. This Divorce was literally the first time I had ever truly been "single" and not standing in line for something new. It was terrifying at first. I did not know what to do with myself. But somewhere in all that depression...chaos, and uncertainty...it was so freeing and so...liberating. I soon found that there were more benefits to being alone than being with someone else (at least in my opinion). I could spend my money how I wanted, I had my own place and could decorate how I wanted. I didn't have to worry about someone judging the thing I bought or judging me for the new things I wanted to try. I took this time alone as a boon to really find myself...rediscover who I was as a person instead of trying to fit myself into someone else's perfect mould.

But, despite this freeing feeling...it didn't change that there were nights where I wanted love, needed held, needed some voice or presence to tell me everything was going to be okay. I tried dating off-and-on. I used dating websites, checked out forums. I even tried Discord groups and found the selection...lacking. Damn near everyone locally had been in the local jail and, as a Correctional Officer that was an automatic "no" from me. I tried to put myself online but due to my job I was often told I needed to die and that I was a disgusting human despite my efforts to try and make a horrible system better from the inside. As someone that is politically pretty neutral, I was dragged through the dirt or ghosted before anyone tried to get to know me and it all seemed rather hopeless. I started to consider riskier behaviors just to maybe have something temporary when my depression reached its lowest and I realized I no longer knew how to feel and no longer had the confidence I used to have back when I moved to Germany.

While the Divorce did not end me, it broke me, and I realized I had become this shut-in that no longer knew how to express my sadness...my distress, and I no longer knew how to express joy. I hardly knew how to laugh again and this scared me. It was like every year I was fading more-and-more and I needed to fix this issue before I really did become something less than human. I worked on...religion. Deconstructing my religious trauma and getting back into Witchcraft. That's still a journey but it has given me such wonderful things and I owe my spirit guides so much. I tried new hobbies...learned how to grow tomatos, make fresh bread, forage for small edible plants out in the yard.

And then...I started to reach out to people again. I tried making new friends, opening up my social circle. I started playing DnD again and going over to watch shows with my buddies. Work was getting better before it got worse, I got switched to a different shift and now? Well...recently...I started dating someone.

We met on Reddit after the forum basically dragged me through the mud for being a correctional officer. I met her on a gaming subforum for lesbians only and while we didnt really game we started talking on small things until the day she opened up to me about some issues in her past. And...I felt such a connection with her, it was like looking in the mirror. The way she gave herself whole-heartedly to someone that had never even began to earn her loyalty reminded me of my time with Taz. It reminded me of every ounce of what I had given all those people who never gave me a percentage back in what they took. We kept talking, opening ourselves up, speaking on our trauma, and our mistakes. I found myself wanting to talk to her more and more until the day finally came where we video-chatted for the first time.

She is cute. She is so ******** cute I can hardly stand it...and the sweetest person I have ever met. She deserves the world. I would want to give her the world. But, it's hard to imagine doing that when she is 13hrs away by plane and I am just some small-town nobody. Likewise, it's hard to imagine when she doesnt want to leave her home and likewise, I can't imagine leaving what it is that I have built here. I have a job with retirement, I have dogs, I pay for my own place. I have a car...and all my things. I make decent money that would not pay for anything where she is...and if I went to her, I would be leaving my whole family behind...again. Just like I did when I went to Germany. Just like I did when I moved to Texas.

The relationship is still fresh and I know we arent there yet but, it doesnt mean I'm not scared of the future. Love in my life tends to move fast so I'm trying to move faster to combat a problem she has already expressed. I am trying to think of a way we can be together and not have to wait until we're damn near 40 to even make some solid attempt. I want to show her...love.
I want to show her just how little her ex partners gave...how much she actually deserves. I want to set a standard for what she should strive for if ever we were to part.

But it is scary. So long in not feeling anything, I find that I'm rather muted. She expresses all her love and this giddy disposition when we speak and I am trying my best to smile. I feel happy, I know I do. But, it's so hard to show it. She says she loves me with her whole chest and I repeat it...but there's a twinge of fear, like someone flinching away from a fist because I'm just scared to get hurt again. She tells me I am beautiful but it sounds hollow because I do not believe myself to be beautiful because of all the people that have called me ugly.

I am happy...but I am terrified.
I want the challenge of this relationship, but fear it over before it even starts due to her wanting to stay put and my wanting to stay put. I want to make her feel love...show her what love is actually but...am I ready to feel again myself?