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-is watching Ask A Ninja-

Question: How many questions can you answer in one ppodcast?

Answer: To be honest with you, if I drop into my super ninjistics, there's not a number high enough to count how many questions I can answer. But unfortunately, your head would explode. Like Scanners if you would put in a table spoon of Wrath of Kahn, like when they put the little thing in the ear and the guy goes crazy? That's how maddening it would be if I got into ninjistics. Ninjonics is kind of the urban version of it. How many can I answer at the speed where the brain won't start bleeding from the inside? Well, you know what, gauntlet thrown, gauntlet picked up, and now I'm getting ready to bludgeon you over the head with the gauntlet... let's kick this pig!

Then he starts answering a crapload of questions...

Q - What is the best way to begin a strongly worded message to a retailer who has wronged you?

A - I'm a ninja.

Q - What are the answers to the following questions:

Q - Why?

A - I'm a ninja.

Q - When?

A - I'm a ninja.

Q - Where?

A - -hides then whispers- I'm a ninja.

Q - If a ninja falls down in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does a ninja make a sound?

A - If a ninja does anything, anywhere, he doesn't make a sound. And if he does amake a sound, it's probably gonna be the last sound you'll ever hear.

Q - How do you speak so clearly with that mask over your mouth?

A - I'm a ninja.

Q - How's it going? I have never seen you kill anyone or anything. Why?

A - First of all, thanks for asking I'm doing pretty good. Secondly, I'm a ninja.

Q - How many people does a ninja kill in a day?

A - Well are we talking the record, or are we talking just on average? There are some days when I hardly kill anybody, and then there are some days when I just can't stop. I mean it is killtacular. If we're gonna ballpark it, anywhere between eight and forty-five hundred. A day. So that's just fine as I can get. Y'know 4500 isn't even close to the record.

Q - How do ninjas suppress vestibular or equilibrium abnormalities during a kill so that aerial acrobatic maneuvers don't cause them to fall victims themselves?

A - I'm a ninja?

Q - Do you ever get tired of being a ninja?

A - Do you ever get tired of being alive?

Q - Can a ninja create a shuriken so large that he himself cannot throw it?

A - The answer to that is easilly... maybe.

Q - Is it possible to meet you without you killing me?

A - Kids, remember this, nothing is impossible, but it is not very likely.

Q - How much sleep does a ninja get?

A - Enough.

Q - How often do ninjas bathe?

A - Enough.

Q - How many different kinds of weapons are there?

A - Enough.

Q - What do ninjas do for money?

A - Ninjanomics are more confusing then Allen Green's fan skiing backwards down a black hole made of lava curves.

Q - What makes a ninja so special?

A - We're ninjas!

Q - Why do the ninjas kill in the firs place? Why can't ninjas love instead?

A - 'Cause I love killing.

Q - You know those little loops that are sometimes found on the back of running shoes to help you put them on?

A - I don't know them personally no, but they seem pretty cool, y'know as far as loops go.

Q - What is the circumference of a moose?

A - It's Michael Pailin with his face in a pie times -- I'm done with that I'm squared.

Q - I'm not gonna be home 'til late tomorrow night, think you could bring back Ghost to the video store for me?

A - Sure thing... right after I kill you!

Q - What is integral theory?

A - Complicated.

Q - Could you please do a podcast about socks?

A - -has a sock puppet- no.

Q - Of all ninja skills in the world, which is the deadliest?

A - The one that kills you.

Q - What's your favorite move recently?

A - Man, I've got this one that I've been trying out. Sneaking late at night while you're sleeping, and tying a little tiny string around every hair on your body, and then I yank 'em all out at once. The look on your face is priceless. I mean it is Bob Saggat worthy.

Q - If a ninja could be a food, what food would it be?

A - A cream puff. A very deadly cream puff. Maybe the pastry, it has very sharp angles on it, and the cream that's inside is poison. The powdered sugar is actually... um, powdered swords. That's a pretty deadly food right there, I wouldn't mind being that food. Would not wanna eat one though.