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I've been in such a funky mood lately.
I think the catalyst for all of this was my last session at the gym. I got on the scale, which I know not to do, and it read like...149 or something. I was lowkey pissed because I've definitely been putting in work and clearly it wasn't reflected in what the scale showed and it definitely discouraged me. My next workout or two after that was absolute s**t and then I just stopped going.
I haven't been to the gym in almost two weeks.
I bought a new protein powder, Dymatize, and I know what it'll take to gain the weight I want but it's honestly a matter of lending focus and resources to this which makes me nervous.
Part of me feeling like I might be doing too much even though I'm not doing much at all. I want to work out and gain this weight (which literally takes a ton of energy). I want to start school next year, a short course and a master's program. I want a second job to manage this credit card debt. I'm trying to help Donald launch his practice and I'm gearing up for a trip in January. ALSO, I'm lowkey racking my brain for a way to get back on track with my finances. Earlier this year, I had my credit card paid off and now the s**t's almost maxed out...a first for me.
The exercise piece takes a ton of physical and mental energy...along with any type of second job that I might pick up. The school and Donald's piece takes a ton of mental energy with some physical energy where I'll have to will myself to put in the work. Not to mention my full-time job. It's quite a bit to manage.
Also, I realized that lately I've been experiencing a similar feeling of low self-esteem that I did in high school that would cause my to stare up at my ceiling in sadness blasting Mariah songs. Back then, it was triggered by social media (Myspace) and the overall feeling of not being enough (boys)....and coincidentally....I'm feeling the same way today.
I'm way too old to be feeling like this, to be honest. sweatdrop
I'm still struggling with the wanting to gain weight piece. I've encountered a few people as of late, Bolden (Eric) and Johnny most recently, who say that were skinny like I was and then decided to gain the weight and fill out their frame. They look great, but they're also...lowkey fat. Not like...fat, fat but fat like...if you don't kill yourself in the gym then...yeah...you look a little fat. Which I'm into and a lot of people are...but I know for a fact that Rob is not into that and has warned me about it several times. He'd rather me be skinny than thick/fat and if I'm going to have a fuller frame, it still needs to look lean. Definitely doable, but something to consider if I do desire to pursue this protein shake, chicken and steak, rice and peanut butter diet. I guess if they did it, I could do it too...but again...something to think about. Not to mention, I'm broke so one of my main concerns is how to get to a place where money is no longer an issue.
Not to mention that I didn't feel this way about gaining weight and looking a certain way until the age of instagram. When I was in college, I was cool being slim and I would work out in my room and felt confident in that. I was also probably eating a lot more with a meal plan and everything so things were a bit different, but I definitely wasn't pressed about being thick or looking a certain way.
I don't need to tell myself that social media isn't the real world and that I should be focusing on what I'm doing instead of what everyone else is doing. Don't get me wrong, social media is also a great way to get ideas and learn information...but I obviously need to retool the way I use it, the people I follow and who/what shows up on my timelines. I find myself doing this at least twice a year.
I just know that overall, I haven't been feeling great mentally. I think living alone is definitely helping me fend off depression but there's still something that definitely feels off. People ask me to hang out and most times I reluctantly oblige because I know that I need to get out and staying at home by myself with how I'm feeling now probably isn't a better option.
Tonight I'm supposed to be going to Secrets Megaplex with Johnny, a supposed gay strip club. I've never been so it'll be an experience for me, one that I -again- reluctantly committed to. With social events, I honestly need to not say yes so quickly and hit folks with a "Sounds fun, can I let you know tomorrow?" kind of deal. Especially with situations like this.
This past weekend I was in Philly with Rob. Meredith was going out with the Logan girls (Ashley, Adrienne, Jackie) and invited me along. I -again- reluctantly obliged and we went out. It wasn't too bad, but I'd rather had been home. I was actually trying to get out of it, but they said I should come along.
The weekend before that, I was supposed to go out with Bilal and Rodney who was in town and I backed out of that. I felt super bad about it but I hadn't gotten a haircut and I just wasn't in the mood. The same night, Marlon wanted me to come to DC. Him and Omar were in DC at Justin's and he called while I was on my way to PG Plaza to get a cinnamon bun, after flaking on Bilal. When he asked me my initial thought was, "I'll be there in a bit!" but in my head, I knew it wasn't right to flake on Bilal but go to DC. Plus, I hate them so even though my initial thought was affirmative, I spat back with, "I can't. I'm ugly and fat." After that Marlon pretty much said ok and hung up...if he would've pushed harder I probably would've made it. Like, if Bilal pushed harder (and came to pick me up) I would've been out with them.
I realized that people will want you to do things you don't really want to do, but they don't want it that much that they'd do whatever they need to do for you to be there...and it's fine.
I'm wondering what can I do with this time off to retool, refocus and get my mind back to where it needs to be. My first thought is time out in nature, which I'm totally not opposed to. It's cold, but not too cold to spend an hour or so out in the fresh air. Maybe it's something I'll coordinate for myself. I don't really want other folks around.
I also noticed that...I haven't really accomplished any of my goals this year except moving out and maybe getting somewhat good at my job. At this rate, my only goals for 2019 will be to start school in some capacity and start seeing a therapist that I trust. For school, I should know by December 1 if I can start this short course in January. Also, I need to wrap up Donald's projects and start watching those DataCamp videos. For therapy, next year will mark 10 years since it all went down...I remember telling myself that if I made it to 30 I'd tell my mom about it....and since that time is quickly approaching, I think next year will be the best year to start this journey.
Like seriously, f** the finances, fukk the body goals, f** this altruistic desire to be a better person because once you start taking classes while working full time, it's hard to do anything else...trust me, I've been through it. Taking those two design classes and working full time was actually hard as f**. So I'll be happy if I can do this short course, enroll in a graduate program and start talking to someone. That would be a huge step for me....and I think it'll also aid in a lot of the issues that I've been having with not accomplishes certain goals over the past three years.
Anyway, I need to start cleaning up and getting ready to go. I, still, don't want to...but it's something that I committed to and Johnny's definitely the type of person to be pissy about it if I back out. I kinda want to invite him over for a few drinks before the club since I'm not too far out of his way...but that would involve him saying "yes" and then me having to go get liquor and juice and s**t. It just feels like a lot and it's already 9pm. I have to shower and get dressed and clean up all by 11pm. So aggressive. sweatdrop
But I think that's about it. This post was a little all over the place, but I do feel better writing about it. I'll title it and reformat it a little later.
One Love.
Ryo
Mood: Bleh Music: "8th Grade" - Mariah Carey from Caution
Ryonosuke · Thu Nov 22, 2018 @ 02:03am · 0 Comments |
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