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Yesterday I went over to Jon, my ex boyfriend's place. He and my brother were fun to hangout with for a while and they finally made my xmas present: homemade peppermint bark. It didn't completely turn out, but that's fine. It still makes me all giggly happy to get a cool present from them >w<

The ex and I ended up talking till 3am, mostly about what went wrong with our relationship. We played pool and sat in the car several times for long discussions. We talked about the Dev meet up planned and I told him about the graduation thing. He was nice. Basically, he misses dating me and regrets how he handled things. He wants to get back together even though he knows it isn't a long-term relationship for us. We talked about the fights, but he didn't remember all the details. When I had to explain them for him, every time it brought me to the verge of tears. I can't go back to him, not now. I don't even know if I can explain it very well. He has feelings for me still but I don't. I was hurt in such a way that I would have to start over from scratch to see him in a romantic way. I could ******** him, for sure... but it would hurt me.

He is still pretty but being reminded of how he treated me in a romantic relationship causes me pain. So much of it was looking from his own perspective. Hearing him admit how he messed up makes me feel a little better to know he has been thinking about it and I enjoy hearing his perspective so I understand things better too, but it in no way fixes things between us. Since I slept with Michael, I know sex can feel differently. I don't know if I'd want that intimacy ever with Jon. I know we should have had that from the start and maybe a one night thing I could do, but sex with him is also different than with Michael. They have different sensitive areas and their bodies are different. Jon knows my body better than Michael did, but he also doesn't play like Michael did so sex isn't as FUN. It's complicated and I don't know if I want to tell any of my friends what is going on...

My birthday will be on a Thursday this year, bleck. Well, I'm trying to brainstorm now what I will want. Achem. Actually, I know what I want but I won't get that. Lol. One night of fun... gods I'm still addicted. I'm kind of sad like that. California Dreamboats are a weak spot. So hard.

There's still a lot planned before that so I guess we'll just have to stick around.

Oh right, and I've been pretty depressed lately. I'm assuming it has to do with PMS so I'm trying to ignore the suicidal urges. I'm being so social and good, clearly I shouldn't be thinking these things and wouldn't under normal circumstances be feeling such things. Well, one hopes anyway. Haha. #lifer