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starting tomorrow I will fast, I'm competing against another ana and we are going to see who is the better at it, I'm sure she'll try to up her intake cause she was talking alot about it today,I personally hate raising my intake,I find it wastefull and annoying.
I'll try to fast with water,coffe(nosugar/creamer),and tea (same as with coffe).
I can't wait until sunday,I'm gonna go buy some more caffeine pills,the kind that actually work, I got so freaked on monday night cause mother tolled me that I wouldn't be able to get the good kind of dp (diet pill) that I took 5 of the other kind, I'm only supposed to have 3-6 throughout the day not 5 in less than a minute,then,I whent out with my sister,I was so ******** up due to the pills stare ....yet I got scared cause I started getting hungry and took an extra 2,one of them was another brand,a really strong brand rivaling the effects of the last pill and then some, it got trully annoying
when she poked me I swear I felt as if I had been hit and I flinched cause of it,she asked about it and I tolled her that I was cold, not a lie, but not the entire truth either, in all honesty I was hot and cold at the same time so when she poked me I was both relieved and hurt.
then while watching the movie, I started getting really tire since I hadn't sleeped much so I popped the last strong pill I had left into my mouth.
when I got home that night I lost feeling of my body but not my mind,breathing was so painfull, moving my finger became so dificult, I really thought I was going to die.
but it passes,I had to pull all of my energy,or what was left of it, and get the bottle of water that I always have nearby, must have been 2 hours inbetween all the pain from moving my fingers and getting used to it and getting the water.
I feel asleep half afraid wondering weather I was going to wake up or not.
I went to school the next day, bought pancake and cookie, and purged it all out.
I need to fast,I need to so badly,I feel sick in the pressence of food.
I don't care that my fingers are trembling (like now).
I don't care that my stomach complains
I don't care that my sleeping cycle will get messed up.
I don't care that I'm already deficient in vitamins and minerals even though I have eaten lately.
I need it.
the control
the power over everything that it brings
it makes me happy
pure
clean
it turns me into a human again
and it brings back the emotions that I lack
maybe I have lost my sanity
or maybe I have lost nothing, I don't care as long as I can do this, as long as I can dp my way out of lunch,as long as I can be pure and clean nothing matters.
as long as I'm worthy of you nothing else matters.
 yamiruri · Fri Jun 02, 2006 @ 01:51am · 1 Comments |
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