Feeling: Envious
Listening to: Pyotr Tchaikovsky - Romeo and Juliet Fantasy Overture
Lately, It's been really awkward hanging around with friends. No, this is not my inner hermit talking. Sure I've always been awkward anyway, but it's just that when I'm out with them, I get a little envious sometimes, because they have partners and don't get me wrong, I think it's great! I'm hopeful for them, but the fact is, it's kinda hard to shake that little imp I call Envy scratching away at my heart sometimes.
It isn't like I'm feeling particularly lonely or anything, it's not even that I can't get a girl. I think the most difficult thing about me and relationships is that it's hard to find someone I could seriously fall for.
The funny thing is, girls could do one little thing sometimes and suddenly I fall half in love with them. Sure they may catch my eye, and I might find them infinitely interesting, but sooner or later, one or both of us walk away. Spontaneous affections be damned.
I wish I could find my princess already. I'd love to be happy and feel the love that I know will one day be in my heart. I'd love to find the one girl that would make me realize why it never would have worked with anyone else. Neither one of us would walk away. To find that one girl that would be willing to do anything for me, just as I would be willing to do anything for her. One girl who'll show me that being vulnerable doesn't have to be a bad thing.
I want to find my one true love. To argue and fight and know that even then, everything will always be okay. We will always get through it. Love will not work without fights. But what I want is a love worth fighting for. I want someone who will look at me, even when I'm at my worst, and smile. Someone who will accept me for me, and won't try to change who I am. I want to find someone who will love me forever.
I crave a love that doesn't fade. I want to be eighty, and be even more deeply in love than the moment I first saw her. I want a love without a doubt. I want to make her smile. On cold days, we would cuddle and watch movies, even if they are Disney movies. I would cook her dinner, and treat her at random. I would listen to her about her day and we would just talk for hours.
I want to be able to make a girl happy, and be able to make her feel loved. I want to be able make her smile, even if she's at her breaking point and be able to show her that she matters. That she will always matter. I would give her little gifts to show her how much I appreciate her. I would look into her eyes, and without saying a word, let her see how much she is loved.
I know that it's a lot. I even know that it's too much. Maybe it's the fact that I get really attached. I fall for people way too fast. Then they find out that I'm not all that special. They leave and my heart shatters again. But I'm stronger now. And the pieces get pulled back together. And my broken heart proven stronger than ever.
One day, I will find my Cinderella. I have no doubt in my mind that I will. She won't leave. Rather, she'll be there when my heart finally emerges from its hiding place. And we will be happy. So yes. One day, I will walk forward, and we will see each other. I'm just hoping that day is soon. I'm ready to fall in love again and be truly happy.
One day..
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