Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I keep daydreaming about this boy from Tuesday nights. He appears in my mind and won't get out. I see him kissing me and giving me a mixtape so that I tear up and kiss him in joy. I see him joking with me at a bar and lying down in the back of a car listing to music. I can see him laughing as I cook or reading while I work on homework. I can't stop seeing these things. He's everywhere and I don't need it. I can't deny that I would want something but I don't need it and I'm not sure it's smart. These distracting daydreams are going to get the best of me. I know it. I feel it.

Last night was hard.... I cried a lot. I felt that emptiness of being trapped in a life that was not my own choosing again. I felt the pointlessness of the routine and overwhelming hatred for myself for being alive and putting myself through it all again. I cried in my room then went to my brother's room, where I feel safe, and cried there. When I finished, I went back to my room and got ready for bed. I was going to draw in my bed but then I cried again. My brother came in then and talked to me until it was time for bed.

I bought myself another soda today and I don't know if that was at fault or just that it was about time for me to have that kind of revelation. Up till yesterday I didn't have any big fits about being here and alive and doing all that I am doing now. Homework doesn't help. I feel the pressure still.