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I might have come to a brilliant revelation about myself. I think, and I accent that word, I may have found one of the larger reasons why I despise myself. For a long time I've grown to hate myself more and more. I feel as if a dark poison is flooding my body and little by little it has been taking over. I have worried that I will become consumed with it.

I think I'm cold.

I don't think I'm tender anymore. I wonder if I ever was... I have the silver tongue that makes people feel at ease. I can worm my way into their heart with gestures and sweet murmurings but when I am there in person I am this heartless beast. I become awkward with starting physical contact or planning activities. When I do make physical moves, they are not what I want but to please the person so they feel empty.

I remember lying my head down on peoples' laps. I remember hugging in hallways and snuggling but the last time I did that? I hugged my brother and that was right. I've hugged my roommate when I needed to cry. Other than that, where is the physical contact that I need? Am I only so cold because I don't have that or is it that I don't know how or I am damaged somehow?

I think I've lost track of where it went. Where did the motherly side of me go? Now I'm just this.... caretaker... yuck.