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My world is literally falling down around me.

It hasn't gotten to the extreme parts yet, but it is at the point where large pieces are getting ******** up and if I keep not doing anything about it, if I keep trying to float instead of fix things, everything else will be pulled down as well.

I turned on my phone tonight for a quick check and my brother is withdrawing from ucsc.

My parents didn't notice I took the pills from their house.

And now the combo of those two things has made it so that I have been crying since I checked those messages. And I mean, tears that fall on their own I am so ******** messed up. I keep thinking opposing things: why should I have to die for his life to become better and won't it be wonderful that everything will be fixed without me there?

And then I know my brother would be ******** for the rest of his life. He would not have me there. My brother would never have me sitting in the room with him to chat with or someone to walk or rely on or defend him against my parents. He won't have me to bake special things for or sneak him money or encourage him in all things he does. NO one at our home will understand his gaming or listen. He will be a lost soul. My brother will carry the weight of my death for all eternity. And my mother. And my father.

Why are all these people talking to me?

All the things I've wished for in life are coming true. I'm at my prime and it couldn't be worse timing. I'm set. My bags are packed and I'm ready to fly this coupe.

I'm magic and I'm ready to be with the moon.

I can't ******** believe Michael added me. Michael. Why now. Why the ******** now. I'm gorgeous. Gods, my roommate asked if I had an eating problem cause she thought I lost a ton of weight. She actually said I looked tiny. WHAT THE FAWK. Seriously man. I just... ate normally. I didn't eat huge portions like all those fat pigs out there.

Gods. Don't you dare comment on this. And no, I don't particularly want to talk about my holidays just yet. I'm still trying to put some distance from those memories at the moment. I can still feel my mother's worry and all the stress crawling up my skin. I still wear the sorrow heavily on my shoulders.

SO ******** OFF.