Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I know if I walk out into that sunshine this week that my life will be bright. I know that I will be filled with a warmth like joy and I will not be able to stop smiling. I know it and so I try to force myself out there, any way I can. ^^

I had this whole excitement today from buying concert tickets to see The Maine and Mayday Parade who are going to be touring together. The thing I love about The Maine is that their music gives me the romantic feels. Their music isn't all romantic but it still reminds me of romantics. It is so difficult to explain. I get high from Mayday Parade's stuff. For a while back when I was going to school, I would dance and scream out their songs. I had a while period where I HAD to listen and rate ALL of their stuff. Lol. Yea, I do that when I get into an artist. I'm not super huge fan of either but I know it would be good to go to their concert. If they already make me feel good when I listen to their music, it can only double once I see them in concert. Either that or, of course, I will fall out of love a bit. ^^ Still sounds like a good investment, to give myself something in the far future to look forward to. Mmmhm indeed.

I found out my boyfriend's birthday and honestly, the biggest news I have in that department right now is that I really want to tell him that I love him but I know I can't... not yet. I don't want to but at the same time I desperately do. It has been the hardest week to be away from him. I truly do think about him all the time and I want to be around him. I don't mind things he does so much anymore, except the making fun of my cooking. I cook at least some things for myself. He's just a picky eater >/ and it hurts my feelings. I just hope he's got the hint that I don't like that. I try to dig it in there. I think he understands subtly more than I give him credit for...

My new roommate is pretty damn awesome. Her name is Brianna. Everyday we all come home, we basically hang out and talk about our days. That is really awesome and she got addicted to True Blood right away. Haha. She knows all sorts of things about bands and movies. I feel like she knows more than me and that is so exciting. I think it's just nice to talk to someone about this stuff in person in general. I used to talk to Firefly or Roku about this stuff but they aren't around anymore or when they are, it's bad timing. It happens but, it's just kinda sad when you can't do that anymore. You miss that person and what you had. I really miss Silleh too. Roleplaying with her really is a joy and I love working with the circus plot, even if it is being used for THAT. Haha. She's into it and that's what makes it work for me. It just... hurts me right now to work with it. I try to write about it and revamp it but I'm still hurt. I want to and I keep trying but then I go all psychotic on myself. Haha. Silly me, right?

I've been drawing a bit? I've almost filled up all the blank spots in my red sketchbook/diary. I already bought a new sketchbook for when it is completely filled. Besides that, I'd like to draw some pictures for Kenny or of him. Haha. I've already done some secret sketches of him. They aren't anything special. I haven't tried to animate him yet and if I really want to draw him, I'll need to eventually. I can't draw myself non-animated.

Mmmm~ the concert really is the biggest news with me right now. We bought a bunch of stuff for the apartment and my little stack of cash is dwindling. I should be all out soon. That cash was supposed to be my life support. When I felt like dying, it was supposed to bring me back to life. It certainly is doing that. I love how I betray myself like that. I will total plan to die and then set up all these little schemes to keep myself alive behind my own back. I'll be all like "Oh just for one day of fun" then keep saving it for multiple days and pick out several locations or excursions that I want to do before I die. I'm funny like that.

I have cut myself a few time since February of this year. The first few times it was to prepare myself for a killing stroke. I wanted to remind myself of how much it hurt so I wouldn't back out, like to be sure it wouldn't spook me. Later on it was to relieve the intense emotions. I had the episode when I told Jordan my secret then one with Kenny then I had another after my old roommate left. Little episodes like that made me feel a bit guilty for a while but... I guess it's just coping. I at least know that it is a bad thing and that I don't resort to it unless I'm dire. Most times I just force myself to sleep or stare off at the ceiling while listening to music. I've forced myself to take a shower and lots of other things. I am trying to get better, but I also feel like I want to be bad again. That's a terrible thing to know about yourself... that a part of you is just waiting for you to lose it. Like a piece of you wants you to fail and fall away from hope. Mmm~ but I persevere. I have hope, for now and I have plans to live. I have plans to thrive, a little.

I have things yet to do with my life and ones to love.