Hello, once again my fellow gaians. Life is somewhat stressful but not at the same time, it's hard to explain, which is why I am writing so that I may attempt to. Life is so fragile it just is strange. I feel that I am lucky to have whoever I want in my life. My older brother told me last night that his very good friend committed suicide, although his friend didn't seem like he was at a point in his life that he would. My brother was distraught to say the least, the thing that is bothering me the most is that I couldn't do anything to help my brother in pain. It got me thinking, I really can't help any of my loved ones when they are in pain, all I can do is just exist. It made me sad and I just...can't do anything about anything in my life. Eric is in pain and stress and may not even have a place to live, yet all I can do is watch, not even sympathize because I have never been in the situation. I have nothing to say to comfort the one I love, whether it be Josh or Eric. I don't understand how my life is so busy, I just need to stop being so weird. I don't know...maybe I just need to draw or something, but what the hell does that do. It solves nothing and helps no one. Sometimes I feel like....no one would talk to me unless I make the effort. I am thinking this recently because it is mostly true. I'm not going to list examples but it just seems that...if I never made the effort, everyone would leave. It is rare to find someone talking to me. I don't have depression and hurt to fall back on anymore, because Eric took away all of my pain of the past and resentment and longing of despair. It's extremely scary but I suppose happiness can be my new despair...I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm confused as to why my heart is hurting right now, I don't understand myself sometimes...I remember before I met Eric, I had no sense of who I was and didn't even know myself. I don't know if that entirely went away, I still am lost but I also am not really anymore. I'm just going to end this journal. Goodbye, until next time.
 Sardine Thief · Sun Mar 04, 2012 @ 08:49pm · 0 Comments |
