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Rise of Captain Obvious.

Chapter 1: Hi, I am Captain Obvious, and I am a super hero.

It all started a day like any other, back then when I still had a normal, non super-like life. I was nobody in particular and had an uninteresting job doing nothing of relevance. I used to wake up early every morning, take a bath, dress up and watch the news while having breakfast. That day was being as any other day, me having my normal routine, when the anchor girl read a note about the great hadrons collider. I swallowed a chunk of my sandwich and without realizing it, out loud said “That thing is going to pop out the universe we know.” I wasn’t even thinking when I said that, I just did.

That thing did pop the universe we knew. Of course, I got saved. Turned out to be there is such a thing as a Multi-Universal Corp of Watchers and Protectors of the Peace and Order. They scanned the version of Earth I used to live in, and when realizing they had failed to prevent the disastrous events that would inevitably take place, sucked out of there all their people, as well as many innocent people as they could, starting by the ones who were somehow valuable according to their standards.

Now, why did they save me? They realized I had foreseen the catastrophe; which made them do a check through my whole life, which made them realize I did that sort of thing all the time; I mean, I was always realizing stuff that was somehow evident only to me, by no apparent mean. This so called special skill, which qualified according to them as a “super power”, made them label me as someone who was too valuable to be wasted. They are very weird people.

A moment I was walking down the street trying not to spill a large cardboard cup of tea and the next I was on a real cool looking room. It was sort of high-tech meets Victorian-Gothic era. And three super tall gorgeously attired humanoids of wildly colored skins were standing in front of me.

—Oh my god! —I yelled— I had been abducted by aliens!

—Yes… —The one in the middle said— We have bad news about your world…

—The collider! It actually destroyed it!

—Well, it did…

—You guys got me out of there before it happened!

—We did…

—I no longer have a home, neither a job, everyone I knew is more likely dead…

—Actually there is a good chance…

—You people saved at least one person I know as you saved me. But it’s more likely someone I didn’t even like anyway, like that guy that was always asking me to join their drinking gang…

—Mister Fernandez, please… We are…

—A superior life form that masters time and space travel. You tried to prevent my universe from being destroyed, but you failed, miserably, though aren’t going to apologize for it.

—We didn’t cause…

—The destruction of everything I knew and cared about. It was due to some mayor fumble from one or another reckless scientist, or scientists, with a god complex. That’s why you guys don’t feel majorly responsible for letting this disaster happen. Even though you will note this incident as a failure and will try to ensure it never happens again. But it will, eventually.

—Mister Fernandez, as I was trying to tell you…

—Damn! I have super powers!

—What? How did you…?

—It’s not like I’m seeing the future, neither like I’m altering reality with my mind. But I do can read somehow the flowing of the universe surrounding me. This gives me the amazing ability to infer, or to some point deduct, the truth about what is happening in a present moment, a past event or even an event still to occur. And that’s why you people saved a nobody like me… You want me to develop this skill and use it for your goals. You want to give me a job! You want me to help you so this sort of disaster never happens again!

There was a moment of awkward silence.

—Yes.

—I’m annoying you. You wish I would shut up and let you talk. But I can’t shut up, because this epic amount of psychological stress had triggered my powers to full gear, and since I’m not used to control them at this level, I am out of control and therefore I’m about to get either shocked or shot with a tranquilizer.

—I can see we were right about you. Anything else?

—You guys really saved Pete Andrews, who I hate. And since I’m being such an annoyance to you, and you are sort of a d**k, instead of the almost painless tranquilizer, a guard behind me is going to buzz me with a lot of volts.

And I was right again. So begun my adventure; with the wrong foot.


Chapter 2: Attack of the Stereotypes! Part I.

I stood out cold for several hours. When I woke up, I was on an examination bed, and next to me, taking notes on a pad computer device, there was the most beautiful alien girl ever: fully humanoid, abundant blond hair gathered on a pony tail, huge yet narrow elliptical and inclined black eyes, full lips, elf ears, two tones of green/flawless skin, two cute tubes coming out of the top of her head, which worked as her nose. The whole sexy intergalactic package.

—I am awake… —I stated.

—I am aware, sir. —She replied politely.

—You are also aware of my… Condition…

—Very much. —She kept working her pad. With a curious grin on her lovely lips.

—No need to say you are a medical officer, right?

—Not to you, sir. Or so it seems so far.

—I am very aroused by the way that tight white jumpsuit is giving away your wonderfully grown female attributes.

—Well, that does explains these latest readings.

—Ah, you are a very smart woman with a great sense of humor, a sensible professional who can display great patience towards even the most difficult patients. You had come to terms with people, from species physically and with ideals of beauty similar to yours, seeing you as a sexual object; though you take any chance to show them you are more than a pretty face and a gorgeous body. And it’s true, despite fate throws in your way a lot of situations in which you turn out to be the eye candy for the audience. You and I are going to be good friends, and may even have a try at romance, and if that happens the sex is going to be…

—Shhh… —She placed a finger on top of my mouth, smiling even more gracious— I’ll like it better if it is a surprise. —I nodded; knowing that I was blushing because of how ashamed I was feeling.

—Sorry. I’m still not in full control of my skills. I just don’t know how to control myself, doctor...

—It’s Plural-Species Medical Specialist-Physician Yot’Hal Alhuda. But since we are going to be good friends and maybe even have sex —she said with an ironical tone— you can call me Ph. Alu. A pleasure to meet you. Now please look at this screen and tell me what you think this is.

—It’s a scan of my brain, showing how is working right now. It looks like a worse mess than it really is. It’s like if madness were a method and if the method were madness.

—That last part is something you know, as in something you are somehow certain of by yourself; or is more like an opinion.

—An opinion.

—Yours? Mine…?

—From the person standing in the next room, monitoring what we are doing through that camera in the upper corner. This is an experiment, and it’s being supervised by someone with big authority from whom is expected a good deal of objectivity.

Alu’s species wasn’t very far from us humans, I could see she was very surprised because of me knowing about the other person.

—Incredible! How did you know about Superior Ph. Rorrar?

—I have super powers. —We could hear a very loud laugher coming from the next room— And now he is going to come in and say how impressed he is about the initial hypothesis proposed about me being right.

—Well, I don’t get to now, do I?

I sat up to be able to look at him better. Superior Ph. Rorrar was a tall and strong looking reptile like large humanoid. His skin looked like made of scale mail, and he was wearing a similar jumpsuit as Alu’s, only that his looked more loose and comfortable. “Sexism is a b***h, eh?” I whispered to her, who guessed what I mean and giggled, replying “Oh, you can bet.” Rorrar seemed oblivious of our little secret; walking towards us helping himself with a cane, and speaking to me in a friendly tone.

—Quite a remarkable gift you have, kid. It’s very impressive, especially when one can realize you can understand us all, despite of we all are talking to you in different languages, and even though you haven’t got an universal translator implanted yet. Had you realized this?

—Not at all. I mean, the first three people I met when I came here, they had to be talking to me in a language I could understand. Since they brought me here directly from my planet. But everyone else doesn’t even have a reason to speak the languages we used to speak on Earth. And then there is people like you, whose mouths and larynges simply can’t make noises similar to the ones we humans can do to communicate verbally. I didn’t know how I could understand you; but it has to be due to my powers, I guess.

—Ah, but these powers have limits…

—Which is good, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

He and I laughed. Laughed again in another pose, then in a third pose… And all of sudden Rorrar placed something like a gun against my forehead and pulled the trigger. I felt back on the bed, and then sit up again.

—That hurt like ******** hell!

—We know —Alu and Rorrar say at the same time.

—It’s the universal translator thing, right? —They nodded— It can’t be applied with an anesthetic, eh? —They shook their heads— But now I have it, my brain may relax a little, and even if the headache may last a day or two, me having this now should help me control my powers better… Or so you two hope?

—Or so we do, kid. Or so we do… —Rorrar turned around and started to leave— By the way, kid, no worry about anything. A lot of people from the version of Earth you came from got translated to another safe dimensions before your line of universe ceased to expand. You didn’t know that, did you?

—No, I didn’t. Thank you, Superior Ph. Rorrar.

—You are welcome. And as soon as Ph. Yot’Hal finish working on you, make sure to take a good meal and rest all you can…

—Because tomorrow starts my training?

He turned around again, and even if you can’t smile with a beak, his eyes looked happy.

—I am so glad to have you here, kid. And feel so sorry for the poor guy who is going to be your instructor.

Rorrar left laughing out loud. Leaving Alu and me alone again. And speaking of Alu, as soon as we were alone, I felt her soft hand on my shoulder, then how she passed her arm around my torso, and after I also felt her large breasts gently being pressed against my back. I felt a sudden access of terror.

—Ph. Alu… I wanted to apologize for…

—Shhh, I know you didn’t mean to stare at my chest and hips. It’s ok. —She was talking with a warm whispering sexy voice— I promise I will not hold a grudge; right after this.

—I knew it! Vaaaacciiiiineeees!

And vaccines I got, a wholla lotta of them.

However, it’s perfectly normal to still find attractive a large breasted blond, even though if she is a bit of a sadist and she is green, right?