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I told you one of my fears, that I'm too vulgar for you. Well, I've been holding back. I don't know how much longer those feelings will be stifled. I'm stupid like that, I bottle them up. Fu, it usually ends up with me dancing around but who knows.... it still makes me feel guilty cause I get the thoughts.

I used to be Nana. I wonder if it holds true. Since being in relationships, I've felt that slipping away. I don't want to jinx myself but perhaps I can finally slip away from the past. I know I can't shed the hatred. I still think of how I would murder her. They are thoughtfully laid plans in the back of my mind. How would I realistically get away with murder? And then I think, do I want to get caught... I would want people to know I did it, wouldn't I? ^^ I think I would. I would be proud. I hate her so much to my core. I try not to think about it, but it does come to me. I ... doubt I could really get over that without a LOT of therapy or work with friends.

I ******** hate her so much.

She is seriously at risk if I were to ever see her again. I want to see her messed up! I want to ******** her up! I know I can too XDD I could beat the s**t outta her till she was bloody and crawling on the floor XDD HAHAHAHAH! b***h! XDDDDD I kinda like that image. Think about it Dev, imagine her bleeding and crawling, begging for you to stop XDD HAHAHAHAHA! I love it <3

Ah` this was supposed to be a fluff entry. XDD Well screw that apparently. <3 I'm kinda violent. I like that <3 I like vulgar things but not too vulgar (though there are some exceptions).

I've been wired now to like rebellion and dislike authority. I have internal conflict because I know I should move past that but at the same time, it was an important lesson I learned in high school. And I'm still learning it. How much are you gonna take before you rise up?!

I totally forgot where I was... I've been watching Amv's while writing these =u= it's calming sorta. <3

Ah, I guess I was dwelling on high school years. Well whatever, done with that. C: Hmm what else do I wanna talk about razz

my hair is really soft owo" the cold weather makes it happy. I'm very happy

I'm so happy.

I almost cried when we were driving in and I saw fog. I thought of the memories and cold that awaited me and my face just scrunched up >w< I can wear tank tops in this weather and not blink. I love this weather, just cold enough to chill you but warm enough that you don't freeze all day from just one hour outside. uwu I'm so happy.

More importantly, I'm free. Free from my parents and that house, that city. I'm in the place where I reinvented myself. In a way, both places aren't my home. But, both places are my home. It's a tricky thing. Roseville is the place where I grew up. It's where my family is and so many of my memories and friends reside. It's a comfortable place where I know all the streets. I still find places to explore and I know my little tricks to get around. I have my own room, which I redecorated this summer (a little) and I have a cat who (sorta) loves me. My parents love me and my brother is one of my best friends in the whole world. It is my home. But it's also not. It's where I tried to kill myself. It is the place where I was shut out and rejected by all the people who had supported me in the hard times of suicidal drama. It is the place where I have suffered and been cooped up. I still cannot go outside all by myself even in the daytime and my parents don't like me visiting certain friends. They need to know where I'm going at all times and they watch my eating/sleeping habits carefully. They are constantly taking me places like they own my schedule and don't approve of my interests even after all these years. They push my around and expect me to be all better. They want to know everything about school and enforce their ideas whenever possible. It's not my home.

San Francisco is my home, where I fled after high school. It's the place where I buy my own food, control my own diet. It's where my opinion matters and I have responsibilities that I take pride in, like cleaning our apartment <3 It's a place where I can wander wherever I want and not think about what other people will say. The weather is so soothing that even my skin and hair relax. I get lost but always find my way and express whatever I feel even if it doesn't include a smile. But, it's not my home. It's not the place where I can make friends or take interest in a boy because I'm too scared they are all too strange or different from me. I'm terrified all the time that I'm going to be pressured into sex or make the wrong path. I dig myself in holes and no one is there to see it, to stop me. This is not a place where I can get help. I have not found a job so I don't own myself and the guilt hangs over my head like a noose. I don't have any grounding here, other than my belongings, which end up owning me. I don't let people in and I hate the world around me here. San Francisco cannot be my home either.

^^ I'm still happy but I think I should go to bed, it's almost 3. Fu fu fu! I kinda took a nap, though I didn't get much sleep last night. I haven't been getting a whole lotta sleep lately so the next two days should be really good for me. I'm gonna lose weight and sleep! XD And post! OMG <3 I wanna draw too! I looked through my old sketchbooks >w< I feel like it's my friend. I feel like I'm looking at a friend I haven't seen in a long time. I wonder if I'll find my sense of self there... <3 I hope so. I really need a new self... this temporary shell isn't really working. I need like "BLOOOOOOOOSH!" [/ explosion] XDDD

I think I'm really going to wait for Dakuo. Weird... XDD Well off to sleep for me <3