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I write this in a fit of...despair? Loneliness? Sadness? I really don't know, but what does it matter...


We are all islands...I guess ships sailing would be better, that way we can be side by side if we wanted...so we're not so alone...

I've kind of stopped eating...don't really see the need to...I keep clean though, just in case I have human contact...but I haven't all day...am I going insane? I think so...

I stood outside in the rain...it felt right to have something cold and wet hitting me over the head...I'd go do it again for 3 hours if I could...3 hours of just feeling...but I would get sick and I just got over illness so I can't do that...pneumonia...

My current reason for existing right now is to Love That Person...I am not happy with this as my purpose. I guess I was hoping for something more grand...but...if it makes Him happy, so happy, I don't see what else counts...I should read that book...

I cried earlier...I think my ears cried too...they've been clogging up now and again, sometimes for whole days...I can clean them all I want but it does nothing...

I cried about my papa...I cried about it like I've never done before...no idea why...I just did or needed to...I got angry at him for dying...dying when he knew he wasn't going to live long, for falling in Love, so in Love, with my mother...for Loving her so much...for leaving us, for destroying us...he ruined us...

But...I exist to Love That Person...that is what I must do...but He can't talk right now...I exist to Love That Person, but He isn't around right now...I can't get enough of That Person when He isn't around right now...do I scare Him right now...? Do I fear He fears me right now...? Fear me right now...? Do you? Do you fear me right now? I'm freewriting right now...do you feel me right now? I want to brush up against That Person, brush up against Him and feel a Human's touch...

no human contact all day...why am I here?

2/18/11