Am I in love with my rival?
I saw you originally as someone to use, who became a rival
you don't see me as a rival, do you?
Why can't we try being just friends for real?
Why do we have to have a relationship?
you can care for me
Carissa says think about my happiness in the long run
In the long run I don't see us. I see him and me.
I don't want to lose you as a friend and rival, but the way we act it looks like that's how things will go because of how badly I have hurt you.
How does Jacob feel when I say I won't talk to or go back to Nick, but do anyway?
hurt; betrayed; fed up; angry; lost; dunno what to do; DONE
If I always go back...why do you even pull me away?
you tell me not to blame myself for everything, so I shift some blame. You tell me not to blame others, who else am I going to blame if I have no one left to blame?!
I go behind you because I'm not happy with how you're treating me.
It's just like how he was treating me. Nothing has changed for the better! I'm miserable, cheating to be happy, in a distanced relationship, and I have a third person to deal with and share my partner with. Yeah, things are just magical.
I promise to change
myself for myself and
the people around me
or else
I'll lose all of them
myself for myself and
the people around me
or else
I'll lose all of them
I'm scared that if Jacob & I do have an involved relationship that I'll come to hate myself.
I guess I want to stay pure for Nikku...
Now I have to pause & think before I speak to see if it hurts or is har to say because I don't want to say it.
What kind of person am I?
I make people hate me and have such aggression.
"...you should be somewhere in solitary and safe..."
I should be locked up that's how bad it is...
If I can go one day without talking to him it can turn into a week, and then 3 weeks, then 3 months, then...I would miss and worry about him...but I think trying so hard to hang onto him, make him wait for me...I'm just using him too.
6/22/12
N
When I think about marriage I see Nikku & I and Mii...
we could say it's still too soon, but that is my dream.
Nick & I ended on a Tuesday. (6/19/12) I hope we both can change for each other...
We both really want that dream of family and a little boy or girl. Just thinking of wrapping my arms around Nikku...I don't know what to feel! Joy Love overflowing a little empty because it isn't real yet. I'm scared I'll feel the same if I hug Jacob too.
It's ok that I love Jacob. Jacob is my friend. A friend that I'm attracted to and went too far with because I had forgotten what a friend was and for my own selfish desires of happiness and sex that I have not earned. I hope I can earn Nikku's undying Love back...Aishiteru, Nikku!
heart Aishiteru heart
6/23/12
