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When I actually stop and think about it, I realize how much suppressed anger I have toward you. Even though you mean the most to me, I can't let you do this. Honestly I can't say that I can convince myself that it's all for the best. Just because of social similarities. Negativity. And yet, hearing how far this has gotten. It's the same as before. My mind sees it as just this, you reasoning with yourself, so that anything you do seems right. Even though it launched me into depression and withdrawal. I guess we can both say you win. I say it with much spite. It's no longer about the person to me anymore, I almost hate them. Almost. But, really it's about what you're doing. Making me feel like I'm always wrong for wanting the things I do, or reacting to something negatively. I can't fill myself with sunshine the way you do. Or is it rather deceitful? The people I love the most will bring the downfall of me. I've said it before. Only because it's true. I hate it when people 'knows what's best'. It's like, if I do what you want, then I may feel awful, defeated, degraded, and hopeless, but at least I can feel like I did the right thing. If I do what I want I have to live with the guilt of not giving it! Like everything I do is for the worst. He's only another passing infatuation. That's fine. But because you're doing this, whether or not you mean to, isn't it. I ignore it. Every time I think about it, I push it aside as if I didn't honestly believe in that. I just can't help myself. If I lose you, what do I have? A family who's never there for me. A social awkwardness. A stabbing loneliness. What do you expect me to do? You say that you'd never leave me, but what if I leave you? What if I've had all I can take and it's either leave or die? Maybe both. Maybe that's why you're better than me. It kills me because you're triumphant, because I cower away. You're leaving me with two impossible decisions, and you expect me to disregard them! I've kind of put this aside me for a while, but today's a rainy day. Buried thoughts come back to be analyzed. My interests have changed, or rather lost an interest, because of how depressed I'd get and how wrong you make me feel. I'd like to believe you're doing it with our (including mine) best interest in mind, but I don't. I can't. You can never convince me. It's happened all before, even though you say it's different. It's never different. I'm almost glad to be leaving you. Another almost. It'd be sad to leave a best friend. But sometimes I wonder, how long will it last? You encourage me, but degrade me. If you want something, you go after it. No matter what apparently. I can't do that. You probably don't understand that. I have wounds and scars that don't permit me from doing that. I'd break. I'd simply fall apart. You don't see that. Not everything is positive. Most things aren't. I'm not as strong as you think I am, or somewhere deep down am. I'm get weaker toward the core. I kind of wish you'd read this, at the same time, some things I'd rather want unsaid are in this. It could be 'for the best'. I may seem like I'm fine, because I am when ignoring it. Always, somewhere, in the back of my mind, it's eating away.
I'm sorry.
 Eleski · Tue Mar 23, 2010 @ 05:51am · 0 Comments |
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