I hate myself. I hate everything about me. And I hate the way I am. I want so many things for myself, I'm so selfish. I want so many things for her, but no matter how hard I try something goes wrong. I want her to be happy, but I feel like I can't ever succeed. I want to give her smiles, but it's so hard when I see those tears running down her cheek. I always want to be there, but there's always something between us. Why am I such a terrible person? No matter what I try, nothing works... But it's so hard. It's so hard when you don't open up to me. Stop worrying what I think, stop worrying how I'll feel. I just want her to tell me when something is wrong. But simultaneously, I don't want to push her. I don't want to pressure her to feel that she needs to tell me. I don't want her doing anything she doesn't want to do. But I also want her to tell me when something is upsetting her.
It's painful, hearing her cry. It's painful hearing her soft depressed tone of voice. It really aches my heart; it really makes me feel she can't trust me enough. I listen to her tears over the phone, miles of separation between the two of us, and I can't be there to comfort her. I can't hold her in my arms. I can't brush away her tears with the sweep of a finger. I can't kiss her forehead when I tell her I'm there for her... It's so obvious to me, so obvious when she's hurt. Because when I know she's depressed, I can hear it in her heart. I can hear her mind and heart telling me how upset she is. But her voice only makes me feel I'm to blame. I feel like everything is my fault. Because I want to help her so much, but I can't. I want to be there for her, but I can't. I can't do anything, because she chooses to lie to me. She tells me she's alright, that she's ok and that nothing is wrong. But I can hear it...
I don't know whether she's lying, only to keep me from worrying or because it's something she doesn't want me knowing. But if it's to keep me from worrying, then it's not working... When she lies to me, I can hear her heart speaking to me and telling me when she is. I can hear her mind speaking to me, and telling me something is wrong. But I only worry more, because it feels like she doesn't believe she can trust me enough to tell me what's wrong... I sit here, crying, even as I type this. I sit here, slowly shedding tears from my eyes, wishing I could be there with her right now.
I want to be with her, to comfort her even if she didn't trust me enough to tell me. If I can't help her, I can at least comfort her. I want to show her I want to always be there for her, to some how prove she can rely on me when she really needs help. I want to prove to her how much I truly love her, even if she believes my heart or not. I want to prove myself that I'm not just putting up a hologram to disguise myself. What she sees and hears from me is who I truly am. What I say and tell her is what I really feel; the kind emotes she' given me, her loving soul caring for me, the beautiful sight of having glimpsed her, and the beauty which still remains inside her. That is what I love about her, and I only want to be there. To hold her, to kiss her, to care for her and to love her. I hate myself, because there's so much I want to show and prove to her. I hate myself because I feel so helpless, so out of touch, but craving to be closer. I crave for her joys to sprout, and I crave for her to be with me. But no matter how hard I try, something stops me. I curse God for never letting me have my desires, but I curse myself for being the selfish person I am...
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