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Well, come March 1st I'm going to be going to Wyoming by car...
To be honest it's the first time I've ever left state in almost 11 years...I went to Ohio when I was 2 and stayed there till I was 4. I did leave on a plane to go to Oaklahoma when I was 12 but that was by plane. This time, it's by car...And it's going to last around 4 days going there.

I'm scared because...I'll only be able to talk to my boyfriend until I'm out of California, but I know that were doing this all for the better. Were moving to an apt there that is very cheap. I'll be able to get a job and get all the things I want to for me and my mom. When we go there I'll be getting a car from my step-dad. I'm getting a Wii from my mom early as a good girl present.

The only thing that's bad on my mind is...I haven't finished school yet...Yeah I know why am I getting pulled out early its not fair. Well...We were gonna wait until June to go, but the apt we want isn't gonna be available for that long. So we have to go now. We packed lots of boxes...Our room is pratically cramed with them.

Yeah...That's another reason were moving...We have such a tiny room. Me and my mother both live in this one tiny room. We can't live like this forever. At first it was great because I had no chores, no listening to Juan my evil step-dad, but at what cost...? I had no private bathroom. I had to sleep on a bunk bed...I couldn't do private things, and...I missed the comfort of being able to run to my own room and close the door whenever I felt insecure.

Now...When I want to cry. I have to run to the bathroom and pray that my mom doesn't hear me. Its a chore to get on my bed considering since I'm home schooled my body isn't use to the physical strain it takes on my body. It's even harder with boxes around the ladder. At first being in this small room it was such a big change to me and my mom we were going at each others throats right and left...Now I have to bare the pain of seeing my mother cry, and I see her cry even more now because she's worried that the move won't be successful.

I'm afraid she doesn't know I'm scared. Frankly the only person that does know I'm scared is my boyfriend Joseph...And he fully doesn't even know it. I've been very good with hiding my fear until now, but the more the date "March 1st" comes. The more it scares me. I thought when we weren't moving until June we could go slow really think things thur and I could think of all the stuff to do on the trip to past the time, but now that we've planned to move 5 months early. I become shaken with fear.

"Will they fall asleep while there driving?"
"Will someone ram into us knocking us off the street?"
"What will happen to our familys if something happens to us?"
"Will the thought of all these terrible things happening prevent one of our family members from allowing us to leave?"
"If I die...What will become of Joseph...? What will become of my mother...? What will become of the life I will not live to see...?"

The pain of dying at such a young age and leaving Joseph alone is this cruel unforgiving world, with his cruel unforgiving father, all alone in that cruel unforgiving state. I would be dead, yes, but an angel in hell, I'd be in heaven true...But to see...The love of my life...In bed crying every night. Dreaming day after day about the family we will never have, the life we will never share, the love we will never make, and the children we will never be able to bare.

I think of my friends, Dapree, Christina, Dani, Sarah. Will they morn for me? Or will they only remember me as a cruel person that should have no remorse for. I do not wish to be forgotten, but...I wish to be able to be pushed aside. For if I do die, I want my friends, my lover, my mother...To all be able to move on happy and more cheerful then ever.

I've always thought...Of myself...As a burden, a bother, a trouble maker. I'm suppose to be a lady, calm, collective, and polite. Yet...I was raised off ramen and hatered. I bare a forever grudge against anyone stupid enough to harm my mother. I even dare to hold a grudge against the man that I dare say gave birth to me. Raised me, sheltered me, did everything in his power to please me as a youngling...Yet, I care not for this. I just wish for the happiness of my mother.

Since I grew up without a real father figure in my life. I've come to hate any man that dare lay a hand on my mother. Weither it be gentle, or cruel. Although...There is one man. A man they call Bert. That I have become quiet fond of. He takes care of not only my mother, but also me and my younger brother, Brandon. He's made me laugh in a time when other's could not. I have been able to tell him things, I could not tell others. That is why I've come to know this man, as my father.

True, I still have a deep hatered for men, but there is just something about this one that seems to douce my eternal flame of hate. He's calm, his deep voice gives a calm, gentle vibe. A voice that says "You can trust me." That is why I've allowed my mother so deep a relationship with him. Not because I feel he can make her happy, but because...I know he's not doing this for the greed. To take advantage of her, but rather, to help her forget all the pain she's been thur over her life time.

My mother was always abused...If it was not physically, it was mentally. She did not go for man after man for the sex, No...It was not for that reason, It was for the money. No not just money, but the money to support me. I thought my mother was being put thur struggle after struggle for me. For a roof over my head, food in my belly, and toys and TV to entertain me. Following her second husband. I had been given the wonderful pleasure of having a baby sister. Little did I know that I already had a sister, but of course I was to small to know who this little sister was. All I had know was that I had 2 other sisters. Whom were very close to me...Me and my sisters, Tiffany (13) and Elena (Who I assume to be 10 by now) were very close when we were little. We were always playing dress up, watching movies, falling asleep together in the same bed. We were the happiest of girls. There's a saying..."The younger you are, the more obviously you are to your surroundings," and they are indeed...Correct...At my young age of 8 I had, had so much tramic events in my life by then. So much that a person should experiance it over a course of 30 years, not 8. That I had lost my memory. All I had were painful or joyful if only for a moment memories of my period of life over 8 years. As far back as I can remember, I seem to recall being in my mother's car driving to pick up my sister from school, as if I had just woken up from a 8 year dream. My memories over that period of time aren't any better, but yet they get sadder and sadder. I was abused by all but 1 of my dad's. Juan (44 years old) The man was to scared of me to lay a hand on me but twice, and even then it was a cowardly move, with a sock, and not for acting back as I had done 3 times already in the course of their 5 year marriage, but rather, harmful play with my brother, Brandon (Who is turning 5 on March 22th)

I remember that day all to well...I was just returning home from school when 3 hours later after we had finished our meal I felt a sudden urge to play with my baby brother. My brother did not have very much time with me considering I did not get home until 2:30 and then 4 hours later I would retire to bed. So we were playing harmful inside the kitchen. I had just given him a bottle of soda as he did enjoy drinking mine, when I decided to playfully block his way, this of course caused him to shout my name in harmful giggles, and after blocking his path for 10 mintues after laughing myself and saying playful bander to him. I felt a sharp pain on my left shoulder towards my hip. I turned around slowly to see a glaring Juan in my eye sight. I was not scared with this glare, but rather...taken back. I asked him why he had hit me for doing nothing wrong, and acting as if he had just been slapped he scabbled saying that I had been annoying Brandon. I of course knew that this was wrong and protested. I did raise my voice of course because this was time with my brother that I wanted to have. I loved my brother at the time and since he was really the only one I could ever have since my brothers were with my real father 10 states to the right, I enjoyed him very much. I do admit sometimes my playfulness went a little to far and I ended up hurting Brandon, but I always got him a soda or let him play my video games as a way to show I was sorry, but Juan of course always seemed to take this the wrong way. Maybe it was just him being an over protective father. Weither it be that or a different reason I wanted to know.

I would sometimes stare back at him wondering why he growtested me so much, but I could never get a clear answer out of him. I was often called a "b***h" or a "witch" for sometimes I pushed things to far, but being in a state where words no longer hurt me, I did not care much for it. I would harmlessly just brush his words off. I always did try my best to please him though, but men seem to never want to accept you if your a girl or your not theirs.

My father had always hated me because I was a girl, that's why when I was younger, I would always make boy avatar's on games I played or always act boyish. I often thought if I wish to be more like a boy perhaps I should intrest myself in girls more than I do guys, but by the time I started thinking I should I had met Dani, Dapree, and Sarah. Three friends I will never forget. They were always the best to me. Dani taught me everything I know today about anime, anime convenstions, and anime cosplays. Dapree taught me about video games, and video game cheats, which games were hot and which games were lame. Sarah of course though taught me how to draw. She always had a cheerful face on no matter what was happening. Sometimes I would go to school and see a bruise on her face. Sarah had also come from an abuisive family. So I thought she understood me best. I had always tried to get a play date with her, and even know I wish she still was in California with me today. I think to myself sometimes. What if she had stayed? Would I have not gotten in trouble with the law? Would I have a boyfriend who's in california? Would my bi-polar still be a dissappearing and reappearing case? Sarah was also my medicine. With her around I was happy...She was like a sister to me and even now not being able to be by her side makes me want to cry at night.

I feel with her gone, I made stupid choices, and that if she was still here with me. I would have done the right thing. I would still be in a normal school, with normal friends, doing normal things, instead of sitting on the computer all day and wondering what could be. Maybe I'd be skinny because I'd try to impress guys. Maybe I wouldn't care a wink about what guys thought and just play video games all day with her laughing about people who were getting all fancy like for 1 day dances.

Sometimes...I do look out my window and sigh about what couldve been. My best friend, Zach, who had lived across the street from me for a good 9 years was gone. I had gone out with him a couple times, but of course I had been corrupted by other things and some of the things he saw he took the wrong way. I didn't mean to hurt him...and sometimes I look at the oragamy heart he made for me and wonder if we could still be together...You never forget your first love that easily..I shared so much with that boy. He was the only guy I could truly be myself around. I didn't care the rumors at school. I loved him...

I shared my first kiss, my first hug, my first blush, my first date, holding hands for the first time, and even...slightly began to think about having a family with him. You could say...he was my first time. I did everything with that boy except make love. I was saving that for the perfect one. Sometimes I wish I had been smart enough to run up to his dad's truck and say I love you one last time...Before he road off forever...I still feel stupid for not doing it...True I say awful things about him, but honestly thats just me..Hiding my true feelings..That I miss him...But you can't change the past. What's done is done...I've moved on. He's moved on. I'm sure he's got a new girlfriend by now. He was always a fast mover. Besides...Right now isn't the time for me to be worried over one little guy. I've got bigger things to do...Like moving...and maybe some day...Planning a trip to start a family...

Because...If you believe enough...God will watch over you...For there's a saying...

"God can't put you at your goal, but he can put you on the right track."
And right now...My goal is, to move, graduate, go to collage for my vet, meet my true love, get married, start a family, watch my family have a family...Then...Die happily with my true love...And if god favors me...Maybe. I can do my heaven dream. Which is to meet my whole family and help other lost souls, be put on the right track...



(Prayers given to my lover's brother, George. Who right now sadly can't be with us. May God help you on your journey to the right way, and forgiveness. We miss you)