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>.< never thought I'd be posting so soon. razz

reading through all my blogs around the net, I realize that the ones my friends can view, I never tell the truth in, but the ones where no one knows me, I always tell the truth.

I'm scared... I guess it's my fault as well.

I can say that i've always been sort of popular, even though I am weird. I guess I just have a way with people. I seriously don't want this to sound egotistic.

I guess I'm popular in a way that I know a lot of people and people feel comfy opening up to me.

I've always made fun of emo kids, exposing their sorrows and sadness to the world, like everyone cared about them.

But I think I made fun of them so much because I am one of them. I expect the world to treat me better whenever I'm in a bad mood. So I made fun of them excessively, using the term 'emo' like a curse, a plague, or a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I still think exposing your problems for all the world to see and treat you better is kinda pathetic (therefore I admit that I'm pathetic), but now I'm so scared of telling anyone what's really been going on with me.

-I haven't done any of my work in school
-I haven't told anyone the truth about me and my guy's relationship
-I haven't told anyone the truth about what's happening in my home
-I have had thoughts I never should've had
-I have done things I should never have even thought of
-I hate weakness because there's so much of it in me. I laugh at it, I criticize it, I belittle people who show it, along with the people who try and help them.
-and as much as I tell everyone I have no regrets in life, i regret most of my life.
- I have to admit. It wouldn't be so bad if once, just once in my life time, I could break down and cry and tell some people what's wrong with me and get help.

Funny.. I reread this post... This is about as honest I can get with people... I just.. can't.. show it. Or say it. I immediately clam up, someone else takes over my body, and I'm instantly happy, jolly, fun-loving me.

I remember once, I was crying, on my way to school. I was on the train, and when I went past a certain point that told me I was near school, my tears stopped and I felt like the problem was gone.

But it wasn't, and I knew that, but I liked this feeling better, so I let the problem go. Of course, I went back to crying once I got home.

I'm so, so scared. Sometimes I do want to die... but the truth is, I don't. I just wanna be saved from myself.