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If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.

He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil.

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

You were looking good from afar.. now you’re far from looking good.

I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

“Are you sarcastic?” “Well no duh!”

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.

We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Shut up, will you?” “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. – Life on the Mississippi

The average man will bristle if you say his father was dishonest, but he will brag a little if he discovers that his great-grandfather was a pirate.

Heathens don’t amount to shucks alongside of pirates, to work a camp-meeting with. – Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

A love pirate ? I am no love pirate. What do they mean by that ?

It was a great experience for a kid, because it was a bunch of kids playing on pirate ships and water slides, so looking back on it, it was the fondest experience of my childhood.

You will always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow – Pirates of the Caribbean

There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.

Life’s pretty good, and why wouldn’t it be? I’m a pirate, after all.

You are without a doubt the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of. – Pirates of the Caribbean

And don’t they wear the bulliest clothes! Oh no! All gold and silver and diamonds,” said Joe, with enthusiasm. – The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

It’s not everyday you get to do a pirate movie, you might as well go for it.

Suddenly you’re like a pirate, you’re 65 years old and you’ve got an ear-ring.

My access to music when I was growing up was through pirate radio, you know, transistor radio under the pillow, listening to one more and then ‘just one more’ until your favourite track comes on.

Merchant and pirate were for a long period one and the same person. Even today mercantile morality is really nothing but a refinement of piratical morality.

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, A poet, a pawn and a king; I’ve been up and down and over and out, And I know one thing; Each time I find myself flat on my face, I pick myself up and get back in the race

It is when pirates count their booty that they become mere thieves.

Where there is a sea there are pirates.

You can keep doing that forever, the dog is never going to move. – Pirates of the Caribbean

The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can’t do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can’t. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you’ll have to square with that some day. – Pirates of the Caribbean

The existence of the sea means the existence of pirates.

Even pirates, before they attack another ship, hoist a black flag.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don’t drink too much. Then again, don’t drink too little.

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk.

I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep.

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.

Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic’s best friend !!!!

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me.

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it.

A man who exposes himself when he is intoxicated, has not the art of getting drunk.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

There is a devil in every berry of the grape.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I drink to forget I drink.

I would take a bomb, but I can’t stand the noise.

Better belly burst than good liquor be lost.

Prohibition may be a disputed theory, but none can say that it doesn’t hold water.

The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The whole world is about three drinks behind.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

I swear to drunk I'm not god.