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It's weird how one can be happy and sad at the same time. Is it weird? How weird? Am I the only who does that?

I've got plenty to be sad about. My falling grades, my ADD, my recent attempt at a relationship, haha, my d**k roommate, my stolen bike, my broken car, my distant friends.

I've got plenty to be happy about. My slowly improving art. My new friend Christine, the fun of trading trashtalk with my d**k roommate, haha, the fact that I have a car, the fact that I have any money, the fact that some of my friends are, in fact, distant.

But to be honest, I only feel the happiness in brief moments. Today when I bit into the most delicious lunch during drawing. When I finally five starred every song on Guitar Hero 2. When my painting turned out awesome.

The rest of my day is basically unhappy. Today was better. But tomorrow won't be. I hesitate to even write this, it makes me feel emo. Like a whiner.

I think I know what the root of my problem is. It's fear of a question. "What do you want to do with your life?" I don't know. I used to think I did. But art has lost its appeal lately. I've been considering leaving college, and joining the Army. As infantry. Because that's the only way to avoid the question. In the Army, as a grunt, they would tell me what to do, which is go to some desert and shoot at people or drive target vehicles or fix broken cannons. It would be hard work, which I'm fine with, but easy thinking. The only worry is death, and that's a worry anyways.

And maybe a few years of misdirection will show me what I ought to be doing. And when my tour is done, I'll have some savings, I'll have a scholarship, I'll have benefits and experience and discipline. It seems like a really good idea.

Until it gets back to that one worry. Dying in the Army. It's not bad because I fear it. It's bad because I don't. It's like passive aggressive suicide, I think about getting shot, and shrug. One less thing to worry about. Is that suicidal? In my more cynical moments, I consider that fate won't let me die, because it has too much suck planned for my future.

I think this is how it'll go. College until I graduate. If I lose my scholarships, I won't have money. If that happens, I'll enlist. A decision made, a worry gone. I guess.

I feel bitter, all the time. I laugh and smile, but underneath, I still feel like s**t. Angry, depressed, this bundle of crap underneath my surface. I used to bottle up and bury my emotions so well, I didn't even dream, my subconscious couldn't find any material. I dream every night now, and they suck. One night, I got incinerated by a nuclear bomb going off in the distance. The heat from the flash of light was so realistic, and when the cloud of burning dust reached me, and scorched the flesh off my dream bones, I didn't even wake up. I just dreamt of darkness for hours more. Total. Suck.

I blame Rella most of the time. Forever, I've bottled up hate and anger well, and she gave me so much to hate. People like Donavon and Brenden and Brandon and Hai and Amber and JJ and to lesser degrees people like Brandi, Spinner, and Chels. And that was all contained. But then she turned out to be the same as them. Just as despicable, when things changed. I wondered why we were friends at all. I knew why she liked me. I listened and advised and sympathized. But why did I like her? The answer was pretty simple. She respected me. When we were friends, I liked her because she liked me, she was grateful for my friendship, she cared about my feelings, respected my opinions, etc. But then that all went away and I was left with a b***h who treated me like s**t, no matter how nicely I treated her. No concern for anyone but herself, her own fickle feelings and apparently her need for c**k. So self centered that she thinks my lie about virginity is somehow tantamount to... let's see... Breaking up with me for a bullshit reason, three days later ******** her ex who I hate, despite calling Amanda a slut for holding out for four days longer, then getting screwed over by said ex and expecting me to sympathize, and then talking excited about how Shawn loves her despite her bullshit reason being that she can't handle long distance. Oh and also just generally being a b***h in her usual ******** ways.

And now, with my hate for her, all that hate I stored away is surging up. The floodgates open and wash away the barriers I built between myself and depression. I think of her and all I feel is anger now, it seems. I was going through a digital camera the other day, and came across a few pictures of her from her visit. I stopped, and I growled, out loud, I swear to God. I think of her in my bed, lying beside me, of that look, and I just want to spit. I hate it. It was all bullshit, pulling me in to another one of her three minute relationships. I should have known better, I should have remembered that the girl has no fidelity, is only exclusive as long as no other man spends more than five minutes listening to her.

Whatever. I hope saying this helps. I don't want to hate her anymore. I want to just not care. To truly erase her presence. She's back with Donavon probably, I'm sure whatever she thought was going to happen with Shawn fell apart. If she is with Donavon, good. They deserve each other, and all the misery involved.

God that didn't even feel good to write. It doesn't help at all. I'm still angry, now I just don't know what I'm angry about.

I'm angry about my drawing professor. I'm angry about my composition professor. I'm angry because two of my webcomics didn't update today, what the ********. I'm angry because the new Terry Pratchett book was just okay, and it cost me 30 dollars to buy.

Joining the Army would take away all of my choices. Which is why I like it I think. It's a job that would do all the deciding for me. No control over my own life. And that's appealing, probably because I'm sick of how my life is going while it's under my control. Maybe that's why people really commit suicide. They can't handle the responsibility that even with control of their life, they can't be happy. They ******** it up no matter what, and they'd rather lose control than continue.

Well, joining the Army would be my alternative. Maybe life in the military will suck, but at least it won't be my fault.

Now I'm not mad, I'm depressed. I might actually be, ******** Rella is contagious. I can't stay happy, I can't focus on improving things, I can't cheer myself up like I used to. Is fatigue a symptom? I've actually been sleeping well, yet I'm tired all the time. I have no appetite, unless I skip meals. I was shaving today and found wrinkles, permanent wrinkles. What the ********? I'm 19.

I don't know what to do. My problems don't feel legitimate even to me. Maybe I should go to the Health Center. I hear they do free therapy sessions, maybe I can get someone to prescribe me a mix of aderall and prosac. Maybe that'll keep me running for the show.

******** hell. I always thought depression was a bullshit disorder. Now I'm self-diagnosing.

Okay, I'm sighing after ever sentence, like a b***h, so I'm getting the ******** off.