♥ I've got a smile on my face and a [******** you attitude...
{♥Well, there has been enough goin on lately that it would fill a good chunk of the missin pages in my journal. I'm not sure where to start so I think I'll start from the last entry that I left that I said I was gonna tell y'all what I did.
I decided to do somethin big that would help me move past my past ^_^. I completely cleaned out my "closet" and got rid of everythin that would remind me of what I don't care to remember again. I did somethin else to make "apologies" to 1. Myself for all the sufferin I had allowed to cling to me. 2. Family that I don't talk to and that have cause different sufferins in my past. 3. Those that were ones I loved and held in high regard in my life that are no longer in my life. 4. People that were "acquaintances" or friends of family that have been in my life for a short amount of time. and 5. Unknown people that have disappeared just as quickly as they appeared in my life. They are now behind me and will stay that way. Though I won't ever forget, but I will not allow them to continue to haunt me. my scars have healed.
Now that they have healed I am able to renew myself and strengthen myself. a few weeks back I had a friend of mine come to me (whether he was drunk or not, I don't know) and asked me the one question that I feel is a big insult ever to me (and ever since he asked this question I have "burned" him with every chance open) He came to me nuzzled my neck and asked me why I have to be too good. Too good? When I was younger I was never good enough, I wasn't perfect enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't... good enough for anythin. I was picked constantly for my shortcomins and used my past as a reason to learn and get better so that when someone came my way I was "good enough" As I continued to think about his question, it brought on more questions. Many of the "men" I have met they viewed me as a trophy and one actually mentioned in a conversation that I am viewed as a trophy wife. Now think of this, though it is an insult to say such, I now recognize this as a MAJOR compliment. I am desired a a trophy because I am not good enough, but too good to be true. I am not perfect, but because of my knowledge I am viewed close to it and that's intimidatin. But this brings a question out to others: why am I too good? Why are you not good enough for me?
Work work work, it has been extremely busy at work, but thankfully it has been progressive to ^_^ My manager and I have made some new steps to help each other out and to better the workplace as a whole. Of course there are some thins that NEED some straightenin out, but they will come out in due time... that's really it, I have had alot of work that's been keepin me mostly busy, but thins have been straightened out so I have a better hold of my time that passes.
BIG news! I am close to gettin my motorcycle! ^_^ They start at about $3-4k and if I can get close to 1/3 of the price, I can get a loan and that will start my credit so I can get a house later down the line. I have also thought about travelin to find "home" I have an idea of what kind of surroundins I want, but I have to think realistically before I make the leap. Cheesy as it sounds, but I'm gonna say it because it's true. This was from a movie I saw YEARS ago. A woman lay dyin in the hospital and she's visited by death. He talks to her about wantin to stay on earth with someone that he loves. The woman tells him that true love means that you know everythin about each other and that if she doesn't know the full truth she doesn't truly love him. and when she does find out, she may not actually love him. he told her that she is wrong, but she told him that when you go down to her homeland it's beautiful, you come back home and you want to go back because it was perfect. but if you decide to live there you end up gettin bit by the bugs and it doesnt start to look so perfect and that he doesn't belong here and its not as perfect as it first seems. The next time I'm on Hiatus I will be travellin, and from the looks of the way thins are goin, it looks like it will be soon ^_^.
*Whew!* I think I've made up for my "hiatus" state *giggle* What do you think?♥}
... because from this day forward I'm livin my life for myself. ♥
