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Today I had Karate. It's a lot harder than I even imagined, and I knew it was going to be hard for me. Karate isn't just about protecting yourself or physical strength. It's also about mental strength and the faith in one's self. Today for the first time in a long time I was petrified.

I wasn't always so scared. I wasn't always so cowardly about expressing the depths of my voice. Now I use dance or words or pictures. In using these tools, I have not only lost a method but also a part of me. I lost my spirit. I was ferocious even alone. My friends now inspire that part of me. But alone, no.

We are supposed to yell or "grunt" when we perform in Karate. I tried. My throat felt like it was being strangled. As if, if I let out a sound I would also be letting out something else. Something ugly and evil. If I let out my voice from deep within, I don't know what would happen. I don't scream anymore to help myself. I did at one point in time. I feel like a tamed wolf. One that cannot howl at the moon anymore; a wolf that can only pine up at that glorious sphere and try to reach higher and higher without any word, without any help.

Maybe then it's not only a question of my ferocity but also a question of my faith or trust in people. I feel like it's better though. I don't know. This whole thing this morning has made me was to huddle in a corner or talk to the pychologist again right now. I feel like if I were just able to talk about it, I would be able to bleed out the ugliness right out my mouth, like some gory death scene.

-sigh- Overall though, I am on edge. I want to go back home. I want to celebrate Dev's birthday. I want to go home. I want to see my mom. I want to see my brother. I want to be home. Because right now, it feels like there is nothing here for me. I just finished my sketchbook and I desperately need a new one. I only want a certain kind though so I guess if I weren't so picky I might feel better. That certain type though has this power, a safety in its appearance.

It's strange, knowing that I've filled another sketchbook. Even stranger is the thought that all the sketches are from my first two years in college. I'm in college. Me. In college. Wow.

It's almost like all the other things didn't happen. Sometimes when I'm alone I'll call myself "Jen" and I get a momentary shock. "Who are you?" I'll ask and then with a smile and sad look, I'll reply "Just because you don't recognize yourself doesn't mean there is someone else." And, it makes me a little sad and a bit mad. I keep up with my characters, revamping them and just remembering them in general. They really were something speical and everyday they become more. I like to think that some of my friends closely resemble them. For instance, Tosha would be Danielle, Minnie would be Katie, Alexis and Ashley would be Ami, I would be Stephanie, Katelyn would be Sarah, and Jacqueline would be Linda. Of course, I can compare a lot more of them and explain it but, it's rather personal and fleeting.

I found a couple new songs so I might revamo my profile again. It is kinda sweet. I love Aqua's new song. It's kinda the push to make a new profile. Lawlz. They make the 80's that much more awesome! And lemme tell you, the eighties are my favorite decade but I also like the 20's and the 90's. The eighties remind me of my Dad and brother. Lawlz. I like the eighties before this song and before I realized it reminded me of family. But, I loved the 90's first then the 20's then the 80's. It's funni. By the way, you are forewarned that most of my entries after this point on are probably going to be this long and maybe just as long as last night's post.

I really enjoy being able to talk about things, not necessarily new things but just being able to talk. I don't get to do that as often anymore. Everyone is busy and I don't like to bother them. Even if they aren't, I feel like I shouldn't call. It's not like where I think they don't call me enough or anything like that. It's more like, calling them is a weakness? I dunno for sure. My thoughts and ideas come together better when I speak them but typing them allows me to go back and re-evaluate them or go about them in a different way. Leaving behind the words makes it so much easier to trace it.

I'll be changing the name of my journal soon as well. If and when I change it, I'll type up a description of why and what it symbolizes. I think that all of you deserve a warning or explanation, even thought there are very few of you that even read this. I think in general, there are very few of my friends that use this anymore. I love Gaia though so I don't want to give it up. It's not a matter of being unable to but the desire or need to. Besides, I think Gaia is generally good for me, except for when I get hassled by those retarded noobs that think they are rich and flame me for not having their cash items. BITCHES hell no. By the way, this actually happened to me a week ago. I was all like, b***h hell no.

Hmm, so next week volleyball starts at our school. Other than that, classes are slow. I have blogs every day basically that I have to post. We post blogs in response to something from our readings. The readings are really good so far and most of them I remember from High school. We have read more of Emerson and are going into Hawthorne today. We also read Poe and some others. It's kinda nice. Everyone in the class seems to really love English so it's a whole different setting than when you are in the basic required English classes. In there, those people are like "damn we gotta read" or "Ugh, that paper was so hard." I just laughed. This one guy from my old English class is in my Anthropology class and he told me it was so hard. He barely passed, I jsut smiled but wanted to bust out lauging. I had gotten an A I told hime and he jsut stared at me. "What?" Yea, the essays were easy. The hardest and most annoying thing was going to see her. "Oh I know, she was always so strict." Um, right~. Seriously, that class was a joke.

Anthropology class though is not a joke. It is so interesting! We study cultures and social issues or climates and structures. We awatched a movie the last two classes and I was left breathless. I wanted more. I feel like I could eat the class and walk about the country, still wanting more and more and more. It questions the whole identidy of a nation or peoples, which I have always been fascinated with. I mean really, in America, I think we take it for granted that we have even the slightest choice in identity.

Sorry to switch topics so shorty but it brought be back to another idea. In English, we were discussing "Nature" by Emerson and people were saying they didn't have a personal relationship with nature. I was the only one that raised my hand that I did. I was so shocked, appalled, and ashamed. How can one not feel nature? How does one not have a personal relationship? Everyone should! They should! But, I stress the fact that the relationship cannot be forced upon a person. One must question and delve into Nature on their own. One must embrace nature and all her specacles. I am still learning but at least I have a relationship. I feel the rain, the sun, the moon. I feel each flower by name and sight. I know the trees by sound and whisper of the wind. Nature is with me and always with all.

I am going to leave you with an assaignment, find out how you feel about nature. Find out how you know things. FInd out how they affect to or what affects you most. Listen to Nature, not the wind or the rustling but the spirit of nature. Just feel. Feel everything. Open yourself up. When you have done this, don't stop. Remember the feeling and Nature will always be with you.