... harmonica. Dumb little brother, though I do love him.
This is the second time I'm going to try to post an entry. Gaia ate my last one, which, was really annoying. I'm glad though. It had some things I'd rather not share with the world.
Okay, I've fixed my problems for the most part. I seriously fell apart though and had nowhere to turn, so, I urm.. did some stupid things, that felt so good and now everything is better. It's just... everything seems to be going wrong and this time of the year is stressful enough as is. I wish my mom were here to fix everything.
I feel so lonely without her. My father and I never see eye to eye... we're so different that it's impossible to get along. However, my mom and I were the best of friends. She was the one I shared interests in movies, books, music, Broadway, clothing, poetry, and so much more with. She was always there, even when she was sick and dying, to help me with my school work and brighten my day.
My house hasn't felt like home without her singing and dancing from room to room. Every now and again, I try it out... but it never feels the same without her, and it defiantely doesn't make me feel any better.
I dread the holidays without her. She always made Christmas special with her caroling (which even people who don't sing felt compelled to join in with), her decorating the tree and helping us make the house beautiful, the gifts that she gave relatives who have everything smile, the two million cards she sends out to family and friends, and her homemade peanut butter cookies.
Heh, earlier this week, one of my friends presented me with peanut butter cookies that she had made me for Christmas. I cried, I honestly did. She laughed and said that she's never seen someone so happy to recieve cookies.. if only she knew how much that meant to me.
In English class, we read a poem about a man who sold his soul to the devil for a lifetime of riches and fortune... I'd sell my soul for one last Christmas with my mother.
I miss her dancing, her singing, her smile, her laugh, her presence... At the time of her death, she was my best and only friend. During that long year in which her health declined to the point where she couldn't even move from room to room, I never truely thought she'd leave me for good. She once wrote in her diary (which we read through after she died) and she said that she thought none of us cared that she was sick, or cared about her. If only she knew how scarey and confusing it was to watch our strong, independant mother grow sicker and sicker each week.
I had a dream the other night that she was still alive and she was comforting me about my psat scores. It felt sooo good to be in her embrase, but when I woke up... it was like my heart was breaking all over again. Forget Christmas, I'd sell my soul for one last hug.
I just keep praying that God tells her often the I pray for her and think about her all the time. Everything I do... all my accomplishments and all my failures, are for her, in hopes that she's watching me from above and telling all the angels in heaven that I'm her kid, just like she did here on earth.
Oh holy heavens, I better stop before my siblings yell at me for crying again.
Okay... The concert was Wednesday and the jazz band did awesome. Probably the best we ever played; I even hit most of my low C's (which, let me tell you, is pretty hard for a clarinetist to do on a sax)! I got a bunch of compliments on how far I've come with the alto so far. It felt good... especially after all my failures that day.
The concert band sounded pretty good too. Though there were some parts where certain sections dragged, missed entrances, or drove the melody way too fast. In one of our middle songs, the clarinets pass the melody to another section but during the concert, the other section really screwed it up. And then there was this part in the last song where the whole band rests except one section and that one section wasn't there for those whole two beats, which ended up being two beats of absolute silence in a dramatic piece. And then, my section doesn't know how to play effing softly...
But, reguardless of it all, we sounded pretty good.
Afterward, I hung around with Eric and Mat, then floated over to Austin and Mib, then I found the alumni, and finally settled in with two junior high kids, Austin, Mat, and two alumni. Weird group, but it was fun.
Then there was Thursday... what happened Thursday? I don't remember much except Trina practically shoving me down the hill after school so I could go hug a certain someone. Good Lord, Trina, you caught me off guard. Actually, I was so very much taken by surprise that I half ran down the hill until Caitlin asked what it was that you were trying to make me do and why was it that we had to run down the hill.
So yeah, I ended up walking down the hill, approximately 10 feet beind him, trying to keep Caitlin from talking too loud so that she wouldn't attract his attention or disturb my girly gitteriness.
Dear Lord, I like him... but why is it that I can't ever bring myself to engage in more than just small talk with him.
Ahh well.... that's life. I need to go clean.. so many family members are depending on me. There is a party to be had... and Christmas Eve draws near.
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