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Hi... I'm not quite sure of what has happened. But lemme bring you up to speed.

There's this guy... A sort of guy who is so attractive that I never thought that I would have a shot with him. I asked him out last summer, not really knowing who he is and fully expecting him to decline. Yet he agreed. I thought that he felt sorry for me or was bored or something. We went to the movies... anyways.

He's a good kid, very chivalrous. So I invite him over around the holidays with Bryan and Jim. He kind of fits in... but is pretty quiet. He has always been pretty quiet, I still don't feel that I know who is really is.

In spring The Magic Flute came to Milwaukee, I really wanted to go and that he was really the only other person I know who could truly appreciate it. We went to dinner and saw the show. But he still didn't talk much. At first I thought it was a trust thing, then I thought he was shy, but then I came to believe that he is just plain boring. I wished that I could think differently, but I couldn't. There wasn't even much of a physical attraction there for me anymore.

Last week he invited me to his voice recital. He has the most beautiful voice... but it has been wasted on him. He refuses to make a career out of his music...I guess money matters more to him. I agree to come; mostly just to be nice, but also to network, he knows a lot of people with connections to opera companies. I wasn't sure tho, if he was inviting me because he knew I would appreciate it or if he was interested in me at all.

Last week ago I went to the zoo with one of my mom's friends. I know that sounds random, but I saw something there that made me think of him. He looked like every other what I like to call "zoo father", someone who leads a nice button-down life in the suburbs with the classic 2.5 kids and a desk job. Yeah, it's cute. Yeah, it's secure. But that life could never make me happy. If I get to that point I would feel like I have hit a dead-end. I knew then that he had to go and find someone who could really appreciate him.

So today I went to his recital. He sounded absolutely beautiful. I didn't give much thought to any sort of "I know you care, and you're a great kid. But..." speech. Rehearsing speeches just makes me nervous. After the recital everyone was swarming around him, I had to wait 45 minutes just to talk to him. I did network... but not many people were there.

Finally we got to talking. I wanted to rush in and tell him what was on my mind, but I didn't want to scare him or hurt him in any way. So I avoided that. We talked about music, as we usually do. Our conversation was brief and full of awkward silences (as most of our conversations are).

Soon it was time to pack up and leave, I put my chair away with him. And when we were in that secluded corner, he pulled me close and softly kissed me on my neck. and what's else... part of me really wanted him to. The brainless romantic in me was still touched by his voice. The selfish b***h in me wanted him to just to prove that no matter how much all the thinner, more popular women flounce and flirt, that I would matter more. So I let him. All voices of reason, logic, prudence, loyalty, and temperance were silenced in that moment.

And then he was gone. Everyone was gone. I was left sitting on the church's steps waiting for my ride. I came here partly so I can set things straight and stop him before he goes too far and I end up hurting him. I failed that. I never mean to hurt anyone in this manner. But... they are all people who know who I am and what has happened to me with love. They are all people who know that my heart belongs to the same man who received it those 5 1/2 years ago.

This guy was different, he knew I was hurt... but he didn't know how deep my love still and will always run.

He's a good kid. He can do better than me. But oh God... I hope this doesn't hurt him too badly.

***

To those of you who are wondering about my fanfiction. Yeah, it's just clipping along fine. Hopefully it will serve as a sweet distraction over the next few days.