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There are probably hundreds of 'tests' on the internet that claim to be able to ascertain your sexual orientation based upon questions catering to stereotypes.

I often get strange results in these tests because 1. I am not biased or trying to get a specific result, and 2. Because I am not like other people. I am me, through and through, and just like a well-developed character in a book; it is impossible to define my entire character in a sentence, (though I have tried) or dictate my personality through a handful of questions based upon cliches.

So I decided to see if this test would tell me if I am a homosexual or not. (I -think- I am straight, but hey; wanting a wife doesn't mean much in this world, any more)


So the first question was fairly straightforward and goof-proof:

#
In the past week, which of these things have you shaved?

*
My chest.
*
My face.
*
My boyfriend's chest.
*
All of the above.
*
None of the above.



I chose 'my face,' even though I have not actually shaved this week because I ran out of shaving gel (cream?) and have not had the opportunity to purchase more.

Based upon this question, I thought that I would easily be considered straight, since questions like these have an obvious answer. (Though, I suppose body-builders might choose 'my chest,' or possibly, 'everywhere,' if the option were available, since hair obscures the view to their beautiful pectorals and other muscular body sections)

The second question set the stage, however; for a test that makes little or not sense at all:

A little fruit is:

*
A good snack.
*
My nickname.
*
The base for most great cocktails.

If you are staring at the question, completely incapacitated by its randomness, then you are not alone in your befuddlement.

I didn't want to choose 'a good snack,' because. . . it's not a snack. It's fruit.
I don't think ANYONE'S nickname is fruit, and if it is, then he's probably a lunatic; not a homosexual.

And last is just-- a general statement of truth.
So I chose the last.
If it were up to me to write these answers, I would have chosen, "It's a plant which one can devour in order to gain sustenance and vitamins to remain healthy and strong. While most people consume more meat in their diet, it is generally believed that an vegetarian diet is, overall, more healthy."

What would that have made me? I would be the only one to get 'nerd' on a test for homosexuality.


The third question:

Who should have won the best actress Oscar in 2006?

*
How could Dame Judi Dench possibly have lost?
*
Damn. I watched, but I forget who was nominated.
*
The Oscars, can you bet on those things?
*
Helen Mirren deserved it, she played Queen Elizabeth brilliantly.

According to me, if you answer this question at all, then you fail the test. No real man should care a modicum about who won what oscar.
I don't know any of those names up there, and I did not watch it, period.

Number three jumped out at me until I realized that it was just a stereotypical male answer, "Whatever it is, I'll bet on it and probably lose money."

Out of sheer persistence, I chose two: If I had watched it, I would have forgotten, because really; I do not care.

Fourth question:

Who is Jack Spade?

*
Isn't that a brand of something?
*
He played third base for the Reds in the 80s.
*
A bag designer. HELLO!
*
They make expensive bags that I can't afford.


That was pretty straightforward; the first option indicates that the one selecting it has no idea what 'Jack Spade' is supposed to be, though I really would have guessed that it was a playing card missing its middle name. (of)



The reading material in your bathroom is:

*
Harpers Bazaar
*
ESPN The Magazine
*
Men's Fitness
*
Playboy
*
Playgirl
*
Jane Austen

I didn't answer this one, because I have no reading material in my bathroom. (Save for a few tossed-aside Archie comics)

There IS such a thing as playgirl? Also, Harpers Bazaar sounds like an incredibly strange disease. Or maybe some guy named Harper's hotel or, possibly, strip joint.
So at this point, I'm just hoping that I can proceed with the test without answering certain questions; I just wanna know what it thinks of my sexuality!


Five:

Project Runway is:

*
The construction job I am working on.
*
My favorite show.
*
Something my girlfriend watches.
*
A show that had promise, but I am over it.


I quit. I can't take it, anymore! What kinds of stupid questions are these? What self-respecting person watches this kind of vapid garbage?

I have two choices:

1. I'm a stereotypical male. Beer, drugs and women! Then horrible death at the hands of a conspiring telephone pole and an all-terrain vehicle.

2. OOOHH Muh GOOOSH! 'Nuff said.


I refuse to participate in this intellectually void, stereotypical, inane, silly, inconsequential, pointless, ridiculous, asinine, confused and malformed 'test'.

Good day, sir.


I SAID good DAY, sir!