When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
Chuck Norris has no brain in his skull is just a extra large set of balls. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his a** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
Chuck Norris landed on an alien planet. The people did not worship him immediately and in his rage he punch the ground. The Floral Eden planet of Mustafar has never been the same.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun
Do you know why Chuck Norris' balls have no hair on them? Hair doesn't grow on steel.
There are two things that can cut a diamond: 1. Other diamonds 2. Chuck Norris' beard.
If there ever was a nuclear war, the only survivors would be cockroaches and Chuck Norris. Then Norris would kill the cockroaches.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
On the 7th day God rested, Chuck Norris took over.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a bat to play baseball, The ball throws itself in the opposite direction.
`Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Unfortunately that will never happen.
Chuck Norris invented the Assault rifle, the roundhouse kick, and football In that order.
Chuck Norris crossed the road... No one as dared question his motives.
They once made Chuck Norris diapers, but there was a problem Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from anybody
And sadly, my last one for the night
Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile At mach 3 Towards your face.
Angels sang out in immaculate chorus As down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris Who delivered a kick which could shatter bones Into the crotch of Indiana Jones Who fell over on the ground writhing in pain As Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne But Chuck saw through his clever disguise And crushed Batman's head in between his thighs.
chuck norris: (ch-u-ck norr-is) doom for everybody who oposes him
chuck norris does not dodge bullets. bullets dodge chuck norris.
Chuck Norris was fighting Wolverine and he manged to cut one of his testicles off we now know this as Jupiter.
Hitler didn't kill himself. Chuck Norris went back in time and did.
Once Chuck Norris was caught in a blizzard and ended up staying at a Nunnery for a month. Nine months later they gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins who until a few years ago were the only undefeated team in the NFL.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris loves to knit sweaters. And by knit, I mean kick, and by sweaters, I mean babies.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris glares people explode from the pure man-smexiness of it all.
In the first Indiana Jones, The Natzis opened up a box containing the Ark Of the Covenant. It was actually Chuck Norris showering. That's why thier faces melted.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
They were gonna put chuck Norris' face onto mount rush more but they couldn't find granite hard enough for his beard.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar That bar was ten vaporized because no structure can old that amount of badass.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Cesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decedents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 100% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris was recently in a car accident and lost both of his legs... But he managed to walk it off!
Chuck Norris grinds his own coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is Hiding.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris single handedly caused the fall of Soviet Russia. Chuck Norris is the reason sloths are so slow he kicked the speed out of them.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Newton discovered the laws of Physics; Chuck Norris enforces them.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot a** kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
Chuck Norris can play Guitar Hero with one hand.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the earth and that's why its still spinning
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
Chuck Norris once taught a class called "a** Kicking 101". There were no survivors.
-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
-Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar. His shirts get erections when they touch his skin.
-Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice.
-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
-Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
-If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
-Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
-Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris needs a blowtorch and a monkey wrench to masturbate.
Chuck Norris can rip the tags of mattresses. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris once went to a burger king and ordered a whopped with extra razor wire. (because that is indeed his way) when they refused chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the burger king so hard it became a new fast food place...and that children is the story of Wendy's.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they're just the Islands...
Chuck Norris drowned a fish.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Hand sanitizers can kill 99.9% of germs, Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can discuss the multiple-choice section of the AP exams.
A Klondike bar would do ANYTHING for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris made the first Chuck Norris joke.
Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends in blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
When kids go to bed, they check their closets for the boogyman. When the boogyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for CHUCK NORRIS.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago. The Grim Reaper is too afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer. Chuck Norris doesn't have chest hair, because you can't grow hair on steel.
Chuck Norris gave Monalissa that smile!
Chuck Norris once did it in a truck with a girl. His sperm leaked into the engine. We now know this mechanical figure as Optimus Prime. Chuck Norris does his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris built the log cabin he was born in
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Did you know they once invented a Chuck Norris toilet paper!? Though this idea was a failure because it wouldn't take s**t from anyone
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris did not lose his virginity. He tracked it down and killed it with extreme prejudice.
Starlight Strawberries · Wed May 13, 2009 @ 10:13pm · 0 Comments |