Gentle breeze blowing through the palms
As birds fly out of sight
The soft feel of sand beneath my toes,
Just a lonely day in paradise.
Waves roll in and out of the shore
As day turns to night.
The sun sets over the horizon,
Just a lonely evening in paradise.
The sweet scent of flowers fills the air
The warm bonfire adds some light.
I fall asleep and dream of you.
Then wake up lonely in paradise.
View User's Journal
My(Not So)Creative mind
This just has stuff in it that i write...its mostly emo-ish and retarded love-ish type poums...not exactly about anyone i know....and if u like what u read comment...not like anyone cares about my crappy writing...
 |
User Comments: [2] [add]
|
Fou Femelle Community Member 
|
|||||||||||||||||
User Comments: [2] [add]
Community Member
Sometimes perfection can be perfect Hell. No?
Overall, very good. The repetition was good, as you used something that was direct and central to what you were trying to say.
However, you might want to tweak a few words here and there if you really wanted to fine tune it. Try adding words that have a little more emotion attached to them. (You might try working in words like empty, or hollow, they seem like they could find a pretty good place here.)