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I go through so much misery… so much… I know it’s not hate and I know I will never feel hate for them, but more like sadness. I cried reading new letters but mostly cried of the past letters, yes I know why? Because, I never thought I could cry like that, and know I took some much to do that to me, but I ask why? I don’t know… I just know, that sometimes I don’t even deserve to live and no I am not “Emo” I just get that feeling. I know it’s wrong, sometimes I just feel pain in the heart. The pain is so stronger then myself, here are some lyrics that describe my pain

A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer.

You taught my heart
A sense I never knew I had
I can't forget
The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine.

…I just can’t look back at the past with out crying, I can’t see why? Why? Am I like this, why am I acting like this, I saw new things, old things, and yet those memories get to me more then any other, as I write tears slid down, I hope to stop them but as I see their to much for me. “Will I die sooner then meant? I don’t know.” “Will I be happy and stop this aching pain inside me, like at if I were sheared to pieces? I don’t know” “Is there such thing as a place called home? May-be.” “Will I ever feel the need of crying so much that I end my life right here right now? It’s possible…” I don’t know I feel like I’m worth something so some people but I don’t know… I betrayed my sister, my parents hate me, and yet I’m still here… “Is there hope for me?” I’ll never be sure till I feel it… I just can’t believe that I can feel so much pain. How much pain can one person get??? The pain inside someone is like a flower being picked from its home, a flower that grew to show beauty! But, when that flower is picked and given to someone… it dies, dies of pain! THE PAIN IT FELT! That it was some gift to another someone! That it felt used and dropped, not important!!! And when you give it to someone and they admire the flowers beauty while the flower inside is dying! As it slowly wilts the person loses the sight of it, the IMPORTANCE OF IT! And when it finally dies it’s thrown away! It’s pain and unhappiness, its beauty is gone, forgotten and they move on. That is a feeling of a person, am I a little flower like that? AM I??? I think so… The sadness gets so hard so painful, look at the past… I look and see that one person can say they love you, that you’re the “whole” when really in the past someone was more loved and you wonder can that person still love them, yes! I’m scared, unsure, afraid of what will happen, I cry so much at night, never running out of tears… Is that sad, Yes it is! I’m afraid scared, I’m tortured in side, someone is stabbing my in the inside and I’m not sure why, but sometimes I do know why, but I don’t want to know, I feel finished, I want to leave this world, but I won’t because sometimes I think you just see a friend when I see is a lover… I don’t know, I want to stay, and I am, I’ll try so hard to get rid of my pain, it may be strong but I’m stronger…!