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OK, obviously I've reached a point in my life where nothing I do is right. I'm a horrible mother and the World's Worst Girlfriend. Good to know. It'd be better to know when this happened, but I guess I have no choice but to take what I can get. Why am I a horrible mother? because I don't spend every second of every day holding my child and because I on't know every little detail abou her at any given moment. Excuse the ******** out of me.
Here's the greater one though. I can't even write in ny journal and express my thoughts without ******** myself over. Apparently, I shouldn't do anything. I shouldn't speak, I shouldn't type. I should just become furniture because expressing myself makes people hate me. Yeah, the last entry I worte? I didn't specify any names because it wasn't directed at one person It was directed at anyone and everyone who acually took the time to read it. Here's the best part: Shaodw never read my journal unless I beg him to and even when he read it, he skims it, but the one time I have an emo moment and pour my heart out to the computer, he reads ever word and shoves them all back down my throat with his own entry. rofl ............................ crying I didn't write it to compare lives or single people out. I wrote it because that's how I feel, what I think, what I'm too afraid to say because I was afraid of this happening. Afraid of someone taking it the wrong way and kicking my a** for it. I know I don't have the worst life in the world, OK? I'm not that stupid and I don't pretend to be. I was trying to say, my life could have been a little better. However, he probably skipped over this line of that entry "I have many regrets, and at the same time I have none." Wanna know why that's in there? Maybe because if it weren't for all the stupid things I've done, all the assholes I've dated and all the s**t I've experienced through my life, I wouldn't appreciate what I have now: the best boyfriend I've ever had, no matter how many fights we get into or what the fights are about, people like Cameron, Clayton, Suki, Garron, George and a few others who make me feel great on my worst days.....the best friends I've ever had and wouldn't trade for the world.
The thing I've dreamt of most more than anything in the world, I have now, because of Shadow: A beautiful little girl, with a fantastic personality and a love for me I'd only dreamed of: unconditional. Sophia would love me if I went bald or gained 100 pounds or lost a limb or two because I'm her Mommy. I've wanted a daughter since I was od enough to understand wht the concept of a daughter was because I wanted to prove to the world that I could raise one ten times better than my mother did with me. I hate my mother and I'll be damned if Sophia feels that way about me.
So, Shadow, you can yell at me and scream at me all you want. The entry was not about you. I love you and I never want anything to happen to you, no matter what you do, say, or think because no matter how much I b***h or complain my life took the best turn it could have on October 14, 2006 when it lead me to your arms.
Sudoku Kitten · Mon Sep 15, 2008 @ 08:19am · 1 Comments |
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