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February Update. What A Month That Was...... |
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-sigh- I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I should start with my princess. She is totally spoiled by everyone in our neighborhood. That's right. It is no longer just by family. She went to the store with my grandfather 3 different times on the same day, & came home with free candy each time, just for being her. No, she didn't steal it. She's just so damn adored by everyone that meets her. lol. Potty training her is becoming hit & miss. Some days she does it well, & others it's like she's not even trying to grow up at all. She still sings a long with popular songs & if she doesn't know the lyrics, she makes up her own (Like a g6- "bottles in the pop, like a blizzard~ bottles in the top, you lost your lizard) The only person who doesn't call her Princess calls her Pirate, & that's because she calls him one for constantly wearing a bandanna on his head xD She's still got Mommy's fascination for books. We've got to fine-tune her alphabet, & then get her to start recognizing the letters & little words wherever/whenever. We still wanna get them My Baby Can Read.....
Dante. He has about 8 teeth in his mouth now; not all of them are fully through but they are getting there. He loves chewing on fingers, especially his own & Mommy's >.< He's still my little social boy. He's so talkative, even though he can't say many words just yet. He's at that stage where it sounds like he's trying to call everyone by name. He's a bouncer. Floor. Bed. Toys. No matter where he is, that boy looooooves to bounce, especially if there is music. He's my little Mamma's boy <3 I'm his favorite person. He's also trying desperately to walk. He has been since he was 6 months old. Now, however, he can actually stand up on his own without holding on to anything or anyone for a moment, & he tries to step from there. This usually ends up causing him to fall into a crawl, but he always tries again^^
Myyyyyyyyyyyy Tuuuuuuuuuuurn. I've had an interesting month, to say the very least. I started it with the most consistent spout of depression I've ever had in the 6 years that I have had it. My optimism had pretty much completely run out on life, & no matter what I did, it kept getting worse. With each day that passed, I found myself drowning in anger, worry, nausea, regret, & the obvious sorrow. All I wanted to do was sleep, & unless I had to change or feed the kids or I HAD to leave the house, that's all I did do. I completely lost interest in everything but my bed. That's where I wanted to be. All the time. Finally, on the morning of the 16th, Fate intervened. I got up out of bed & told myself no matter what, I wouldn't be getting back into it. I would walk the 2 miles to Shadow's place where the kids & I would end up that evening anyway. It. Felt. Amazing. I haven't walked that far in a while, & it was a beautiful morning. I felt more alive than I had been feeling in weeks. I went about my day over there & it was a decent day, mind you, but by 1 am, while I was playing a game on the xbox, the feelings, the thoughts, had all come crashing back into me, & there was no escape in sight. I got dressed, went for a walk to try & clear my head. It didn't help. I felt it all. The hopelessness. I felt like I didn't exist as a person to anyone else any more. I was an object. A robot, of sorts. I'd lost everything that made me feel like me somewhere along the line, & I had no idea how to even begin to get myself back. So what did I do? What I always do. I lashed out. At Bryant. I had no other source of getting any of this s**t away from me. I fully snapped when I realized (for the 999,999th time during our relationship) that I was getting nowhere. He wasn't listening. He wasn't taking anything I was saying seriously. I was done. I went into the kitchen, I cut my arm open with the sharpest knife I could find six times. Why? I was tired of feeling like the shell of what used to be a person. I had already put the knife down & was walking out of the kitchen when Bryant came in & saw what I had done. He was livid. He wasn't listening to me before, & he wouldn't even let me speak at that point. He started calling me crazy & insane & he had Blake drive him & myself to the hospital. This was after he had roused his grandmother from sleep & she tried to comfort me. She was the only one of the three of them who actually noticed what was going on, and saw fit to try and help & comfort me. She was very supportive while I was Baker Acted, and I love & appreciate her dearly not just for that, but for everything she's done for me in the time span that I've known her. While I was in the hospital, I had fun. I met some very interesting people, two of which I'm still in constant communication with. They've become a major part of my life & I know they are here for me just like the rest of my friends are, whom I all love and appreciate them as well.
As of now, we're taking it one day at a time. The kids stay with me during the week, and at their father's every/other weekend.
I'd like to make it a point to whoever does end up reading this, that I did not cut my wrist in an attempt to kill myself. It was more out of anger, frustration, and desperation than anything. The cuts were not in the correct direction for a suicide attempt, nor were they deep enough for one. I'd also like to point out that had I tried to kill myself in this manner, Bryant would not have caught me in the doorway of the kitchen where I was coming out when he found me. I would have still been standing there, knife in hand, trying to end it all; which I was not doing. I am being treated for my depression & have recently started seeing a therapist for it as well.
Sudoku Kitten · Tue Mar 22, 2011 @ 11:59pm · 1 Comments |
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