I feel funny. Actually, I don't really know how I feel. I feel miserable but happy, sick but healthier than I've been in a while, and optimistic in a pessimistic sort of way. Life sucks and I love it. I think. I know Ive become more outgoing though. I donno if it was the switch to Prozac or that ron hurt me so bad that I'm not afraid of getting hurt by other people. My protective walls of anti-socialness have somewhat come down.
I started listening to this guy in one of my classes. It was a guy I kind of wanted to talk to for a while. He just seemed like he had so much personality to him. Then I noticed he sat with Ron and decided against it. But that day I was listening to him I found out that he was really interesting to listen to. I couldn't really talk to him because my mind was slow that day (which I think was an effect of Zoloft), but I have managed to talk to him. It was very unlike me, but one day at lunch I saw him walking by so I walked up to him and introduced myself. We talked the whole lunch. I donno if it was as interesting to him as it was to me, but he didn't seem to be uncomfortable around us.
I've been more talkative to people in class too. Not like yap my brains out talkative, but at least now people know I talk. It doesn't seem as hard to talk to people anymore. In fact sometimes its hard not to talk. Today in last period Sichi (friend in same boat as me) and this guy she has a crush on were talking and as much as I was trying not to draw attention from Sichi, I just couldn't stop talking. And in history, people were asking about my drawing and where usually I would just throw out one word answers, I was talking about it and going on about art classes and art teachers. So very unlike me, but not unwelcome.
I've come to realize I like being around people. I need alot of attention. So much attention that just Ron himslef could not provide and that is part of the reason I got so miserable around him. I was afraid to talk to other people, especially guys, around him. I thought that if I didn't seem to be paying enough attention to him he would just walk away and never come back or that if I talked to another guy he would get jealous and leave me. Now I realize that I don't need a guy like that. I need someone positive and social, but not so social that I get jealous and feel like Im not getting enough attention.
I'm beginning to accept things and realize that Ron hurt me more than helped me, but I'm still miserable. I see him with other girls (I swear he's been after everything with two legs and a uterus) and it hurts like hell, I admit, but in my mind I'm saying "I don't care. She'll see his faults and leave him sooner than I did." And I see my pictures and poems about suicide and I feel like I want to die and I wouldnt ever want to die at the exact same time. I have such mixed up and twisted feelings.
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If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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