Bella,
I know this Owl will never actually reach you. Yet and still – there are things I can only speak about with you. I am writing this Owl to you in hopes to sooth my soul and sort my thoughts. How I wish I could hear back from you.
What happened Bella? Where did everything go so wrong? How did I go from Narcissa Black Malfoy, rich and powerful and with a spotless name.. to someone who has a husband in Azkaban, a son who is on the Dark Lords bad side because of the sins of his father, and my home is no longer mine.. I just don’t know how I became this person in this life. This is not my life!
I look in the mirror and I see a woman on the edge of breaking down. Severus and I can only speak of certain things. I trust him more than anyone other than Gabriel right now. But still – I know Gabriel would die for what he believes in. I would too. But we believe in different things. He believes in good and right things – I believe in my son. This is where I can only tell him so much.
I woke this morning crying Bella. I started to call out to someone to comfort me – but I knew there would be no one. Lucius is locked away, Severus is unable to be supportive because we couldn’t look improper, Gabriel is far, and I would never do that to Draco. I dare say that for a moment I wished you and Andromeda were there. Then I recalled how I feel about Andie and I quickly felt dirty for even wishing my sister, my former sister, were here for me. My dream was about Gabriel throwing himself in front of Draco as the Dark Lord tried to avada kadavra my son. Deep down – I know he would.
Something else is on my mind though Bella. Lily Evans.
I’ve never told anyone what happened between us and now it seems as though it is haunting me. Lucius has no clue and I am sure it wouldn’t matter to him. I don’t know why it matters to me. But it does. All these long years later – it matters.
See, I had snuck out with Gabriel one night. I was coming back and I was in a daydream state. Gabriel often did that to me as you recall. I wondered the halls with a smile, my thoughts on our love making. I wasn’t even paying attention when I drifted in to the Gryffindor area and slipped in behind some Gryffindor going into the portrait hole.
I was half way up the stairs to the boys dormitory when I heard Minerva McGonagall clear her throat behind me “Miss Black, what ARE you doing?” I snapped out of my daydream and stared at her. I was in so much trouble. I had already been told if I was caught trying to sneak in there again (yes Bella, I had tried it many times) that I would be expelled from Hogwarts. (You can’t interfere with true love and passion of the teen persuasion).
As I opened my mouth to speak I heard a voice behind McGonagall. It was Lily Evans. And for some reason, she spoke up on my behalf. “This way Black, that’s the boys dorms.”
My first thought was that I didn’t want a filthy mudblood to help me. But then I thought of leaving Hogwarts and never seeing Gabriel again. Somehow I swallowed my pride and nodded with a weak smile. I walked past McGonagall and over to Evans. I laughed softly as if we were friends and I was slightly embarrassed “My mistake.” I went with Evans to her dorm.
She tried to speak to me but I just stood there cold for a long time until I thought our charade was played out enough that I wouldn’t be in trouble. Then I snapped at her to keep her filthy mudblood eyes to herself and I left.
Lately – I feel as though I am in her debt. I never thought much of it all these years. But lately I can see the look on her face. I feel I owe her something. How can I repay a woman who has been dead almost 2 decades? And why Bella.. why do I even think about such a thing?! I never asked for her help.
Everything confuses me Bella. Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time to the days when you and Andie and I would play on the grounds that we had married the richest and most purblooded handsome men around, throwing expensive tea parties..
Times were simple then.
Nothing now, is as it seems.
And I am all alone.
always,
Cissy
*The owl Narcissa has (in private) takes the parchment far up top of a volcano and lets it fall into the lava so that no eyes will ever see it.*
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Inner thoughts of mine..
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