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I have two things I wish to tell you about today-

1) Letterman Jackets
Apparently, I had good enough grades letter in academics. I was given a big fuzzy blue B and a special pin. The pin is a little genie's lamp, which leads me to believe that I excelled not only in academics, but in magic. That was a nice little surprise, but now I have no idea where to get the actual jacket that the letter and pin should be attached to. This would be a good time for the intellect/magical powers to kick in.

2) WARLOCKS!
Today twelve men wearing gold rings, accused of being wizards, were arrested. They were charged with using their magical powers to shrink/remove the penises of any man who sat next to them on the subway. Men who wandered too close claimed to have been rendered impotent. What's sad is that I didn't make this up. I'm not sure where this took place, but the story cracked me up.

*EDIT- I've done further research on the magical p***s-snatchers. It turns out that this is taking place in the Congo, and I got my numbers wrong. Fourteen men are currently in prison, and twelve others were lynched by angry mobs two weeks ago.