|
I've been cut free one week! Yes a week ago today I promised Liz I'd go three days cut free, who knew it'd turn into seven! I can't say I feel great infact I still feel really crappy. I'm still eating and sleeping poorly and fighting against my crazy strong urges. I'm crazy stressed, but I'm actually happy for the first time since December. I dunno why but right, for this moment I feel as if a huge weight has been taken from me. I'm looking forward to what tomorrow will bring, I'm excited to see what new things I can do and learn.
I never thought a week of not doing something could feel so good yet hurt so bad. My thoughts have been constantly wrapped around cutting, how good it feels, how much fun it is (scary I know) and the reliefe. I miss it. I miss have that quick fix for my problems. Nothing feels better than a razor being pulled across the skin; long and slow allowing the pain to be slowly drawn out to linger as an intense euphoric feeling bubbles inside you, forceful and quick to watch the wonder of deep red, warm blood flow before your eyes. I've never experience anything as wonderful, rewarding or satisifying as cutting. But I must stay away from it, or so I'm told.
My arm is healing nicely, the cuts are almost gone but the scars are forever. But I dont mind if I have them forever, everything happens for a reason and one day I'll know that reason. But until then they are mine to do what I please with. I've thought about getting creams to help the scars fade, but it seems like a waste to me, why hide who I am and what I've done. While it may not be something to be proud of its part of me that I must embrace.
Seems like today's entry is pretty short which is a good thing I guess. No ranting and pent up anger, even tho it was there earlier... I found that doing something for yourself every now and then can be a good thing. I got my hair cut today, so even the lil things help. My parents are not forgiven nor will they ever be, but for right now, for this moment there is peace.
 The Magical Mellophone · Fri Mar 14, 2008 @ 02:39am · 1 Comments |
