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Yesterday was one of, if not the worst day of my life. My oh so very wonderful mother found out about my cutting. Now don't get me wrong I was never stupid enough to think she'd never find out, I was just stupid enough to believe that she wouldn't know til I was ready to talk to her. I never thought that my mother would feel the need to search my room and my truck. In her search of my room she searched my computer, where she found that I visit this site alot and use it to keep a journal. So she read it, all of it (I'm gonna delete my history and all that now so it's safe for me to post things here). After reading it she went out to my truck and searched it, where she found the cigs that I forgot to throw away and the sign I took from the woods at my school. After what she found in the truck she came back to my room looking for something else that I've done wrong. She found all my razors and knives. Even the ones that were amazingly well hidden. She took the knife from under my bed, the razor hidden in my mouse pad, the knife in my lockbox, the razor taped to the back of my band sash, the razor in a letter my grandma sent me right before she passed away, the razor tucked away in the pages of my favorite book, and my favorite razor from behind a picture that I have in a frame. I was crushed when I found out what she did, my body ached and begged for a cut. But I couldn't, I had no razors or knives, plus I was out in public.
My oh so wonderful mother searched my stuff while I was at school, so after she finished searching she got me outta class and decided we needed to talk, and where else should we talk but out in a public restraunt. She said she was hungry, and decided on a place on the other side of town from where we live, which should have been my first warning. We walk in and my mom asks for a private booth (warning number two) and carries on polite conversation with the server about lunch specials, as soon as she orders and the server walks away her entire demeanor changed. The first thing she says to me is "I know I shouldn't have and it was a major invasion of your privacy, and we're having this conversation here so you can't storm off." at that point the warning bells were going off in my head, I had the urge to get up and leave before I had to hear anything else, but I stayed. Soon after that she told me that she went through all of my stuff and started asking about if I cut. Thats when she revealed what she'd done, I was furious, it took all of my will power to refrain from reaching across the table and hitting her or throwing her drink at her. I said I didn't want to talk about it that I was working things out on my own, but that wasn't to be the end of it. She tried to force it outta me using guilt trips and telling me that I was the mistake that saved her life. I couldn't take anymore of it so I left, I walked to the sporting goods store that was nead the restraunt. I locked myself in a bathroom stall sobbing from uncontrolable anger and hurt, I needed to call someone but all my friends were still in class, so I ended up texting two of my friends. They got me to get back in the car with my mother and go home, where things only got worse.
I was still extremely angry when I got home, I was outta the car and slamming doors before we even got all the way in the driveway. I got to my room and started screaming, everything I loved about my room was gone. I keep my room messy, the mess was gone, I had memories in stupid lil nick-nacks, they were broken and thrown away, my heart and soul were hidden in the depths of my room, my sanctuarry had been violated. My anger was renewed and growing. I curled up on my bed and started crying again, I didn't know what else to do. I lucked out Liz called me as soon as she could, she offered to let me stay at her house last night so I could get away and let things calm down. I needed someone that I could just sit there and cry to, someone who could hug me tightly and tell me everything would be ok. Both Liz and Amanda said they would be that person for me.
I was gonna see one of them when I relized my keys were gone and my mom was blocking my only way out. I was forced back into my room where I sat on the floor my back against my bed with two big piles of clothes on either side of me. My mother sat across from me, trying to provoke a response from me, but I would talk, I refused. I couldn't or wouldn't sink to her level of blaming all my problems on others, after all they are my problems. So I said nothing I was more comfortable with that. My mother sat on my floor for hours trying to guilt me into talking, she even forced a drug test on me, it came up negative I'm not into drugs. She finally left me alone after the drug test, but not without causeing more pain for me. She called a bunch of people asking if they knew, which they didn't but now they do. I fear that my mother will end up telling all the people she works with, about my problem. I fear that I will cause more problems than I can solve. I'm afraid.
I talked to my wife/friend Ashlee today, about my parents finding out. We talked pretty openly about it. She told me how much she hates cutting, but that she doesn't hate me, she knows its a problem thats hard to understand let alone break. She asked when the last time I cut was and I told her ten days ago, which means I made it through all the stress and anger of last night cut free. Next she asked if my mother took all my razors, I said yes. I was suprised to hear her say that, that was the stupidest thing that could have happened, that by taking away my razors my mother was only causeing me more pain even if I wasn't using them. I should be the one to decided when to get rid of them, when I can take my razors and give them away I will be done with them. I agree with her, I have a feeling that I will end up cutting again before this is all over. And when I can take that razor and give it to someone, I will be free. (Now I know that giving the razor I used to cut myself doesn't sound like the worlds best gift, but when the time comes that person I give it to will understand.)
Things are strained between me and my parents more than usual now. They are going out of their way to do what they normally wouldn't do. They treat me so much differently. I don't want that. They tell me I'm the child they aren't suposed to have to worry about, that I'm the one that has the best chance of actually being someone in life. I hate that. If I don't end up doing something great I'll feel like I've done something else to lessen my already minimal existance in the world, and end up being just some other financial burden. I already know that if I wasn't in marching band I'd save my parents almost 2,000$ a year, if I had a job I'd save them the 3000$ for the truck and all the money for gas. Money is not something we have a whole lot of, and when I ask for 10$ to go ice skating or out with friends I feel crappy. I feel like asking for a few dollars here and there to go out on is wasting money needed to pay the bills. I always hear about which bills get paid which month due to lack of money, so asking for even a lil bit seems like alot. I know I shouldn't feel like this, at 17 running a household and rasing a family shouldn't be what I worry about but it is.
I'm hoping things will get better soon. My friends keep telling me they love me, and they will always be there when I need them. They say they are just a phone call away, and those who have cars say they'd drive to the end of the world to get me. For that I'm thankful. I'm not sure if there is anything else I should put here. I don't think I have anything else I need to say. But I do know that maybe it's time for me to tell people that are important, how much they mean to me, and how lost I'd be without them. After all its only fair.
 The Magical Mellophone · Sun Mar 16, 2008 @ 02:36am · 1 Comments |
