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Well what can I say, today was one of those days, where nothing seems to go your way. I've just felt like crap all day. I can't get over the feeling that I serve no importance and I'm easily overlooked. I mean I have no extraordinary talent at playing the french horn or anything else for that matter, I'm not particularly good looking, and my intelegence is only average. I like many others will one day fade away into nothing remembered and cared for by no one. Is there anything I can do to change this? I don't know, and what does it matter? Now-a-days the only people remembered are the ones who ******** everything up, but then I have to ask why wont I be remembered? Because I have nothing to ******** up! But there is something you may ask, grades, family, relationships, friends, health? I really don't care about any of that as far as I'm concerned I have no family that cares for me, who needs grades if I aint got the money to continue after high school, relationships only end in hurt, after high school I probably wont speak to many of them again, and my health is already ******** up. So what do I have left?
If you can't tell I'm feeling majorly stressed. My parents are fighting even more and it's slowly eating away at me. My mom keeps saying how she is so ready to divorce my dad, and every time I ask her why she doesn't just do it already. And every time I get the same answer of "Well I don't want a divorce to ******** up Joshua and Hunter" and every time I wanna retort with "But its fine to ******** with me!" My mother says she hates my dad and is done with putting up with his emotional abuse, she says she's hated him for years. I don't doubt it, I just want it to end. The day they sign the divorce papers will be the day a huge emotional burden is lifted from my shoulders. That day may only be months away, my mom is giving my dad 90 days to show her that he isn't a complete ********. For those 90 days my mom has "resigned" from her roll as head of the house (after my dad told her all the financial choices she made were wrong and stupid), meaning now more than ever I am mom. Its only 9pm and I'm dead tired, I came home; helped my brother with his homework after picking him up, cooked a well-balanced meal, cleaned the downstairs, served dinner, washed clothes, cleaned up from dinner, recleaned the living room, forced the lil smelly one to get a shower, and now I'm about to start homework (mine and my moms). This is just too much for me to deal with, I can't keep doing this, I hate family. I don't see how the people who live in my house can't act as a family, I feel myself being torn apart by all this fighting. To see families actually acting like a family kills me, I wish I knew what it was like to feel like I didn't have to be forced to love them, and they didn't have to be forced to love me in return. I hate living like this. I heard a song while cooking dinner tonight, that made me cry. The very first verse was about a girl in high school who couldn't wait to get out of her parents house so she could live her own life. But then the last lil bit of that same verse is the mother saying one day the girl will miss the day's when she was carefree and still living at home. I cried, because I know that I'll never miss these days, I know that once I'm gone I'm gone for good. It's a sad thought, but true.
I do have some good news to report. I made it the three days I promised Liz! But, I want to cut so badly, I want to be in control of how much pain I have to go through. While I did make it those three days cut free I've been harming myself in other ways. I haven't been sleeping much, or eating much. I stay up late at night than wake myself up early the next day, I'm only eating junk food if anything at all. I just can't seem to help myself. I just want to cut, I'll feel better, I'll sleep better, I'll eat better. I just can't win, I can throw away my razors, but theres always another shaving razor I can take apart, or go back to my trusty ol' pocket knife. I just feel like I shouldn't care anymore, and that there is no point to caring. I'm sick of always being angry, and always being who I shouldn't have to be.
 The Magical Mellophone · Tue Mar 11, 2008 @ 01:56am · 1 Comments |
