two of these poems are about my rescue. one of them is about my past. if you're triggered by sexual abuse i suggest not reading these lmfao i can become prettyy depressing especially since poetry is my only real outlet. i posted a really interesting statement on my fictionpress, which went something like "i use poetry and metaphor to temper the shock value of the thoughts i have." this has always, always been true for me. um well enjoy i guess.
the things he says
he comforted me
i needed comforting
but not from him
i needed to learn to swim amidst the broken hymns his
apologetic chants of victory
(the things he chanted to me)
he's as damaged darkened distant as me
did it make him feel like a man
i've barricaded all i can
(broke the lock with his goddamned bare hands)
protected land i guess i can't
do it forever
and pretty soon he'll come in again
(i guess i can't do it forever)
halifax
the engine is loud it's louder than my thoughts
drowning them out it's easy i suppose
it's so loud reminding me that it is in fact, an engine
attached to a bus who's seats i am attached
i never want to leave i want to be stuck in this feeling forever
the feeling of knowing
i can be okay
someday
maybe when i get there someday
the feelings are rushed and it sucks but i must
go on open my eyes make my feet work
climb down the steps grab my bag
(a tiny bag a tiny cage with henry, the ferret)
someone grabs my hand
quick flinch react contract it's fact
(pain i'm waiting for it)
but the fingers are warm
gentle
someday maybe when i get there someday
i can grab back
some thoughts i have i think are crass
they're crass and gross and filled with filth but
i don't want this anymore
i want to like without the voices
in my head your voice
in my head telling me
but someday i will grab back
and quiet you for good
i want to like without constant reminders
from all of you who aren't apart of we
all of you who are separate beings
come out inside of me inside my thoughts
you are not good and kind and protecting
you do not play games and sing and skip
or dress up with make-up and make-out
to make me feel
you are the ones who take take take take
and someday maybe when i get there someday
i will grab back and be unashamed
i don't want to get up off this seat
to avert my eyes from the window beside me
i want to be stuck here forever in this whirlwind of
knowing
your fingers are warm
and gentle
prompting me, telling me, it's better to face knowledge
than to acknowledge
it's better to prove than know someday
five and i
triggery as ********]
i am safe
in my safe haven
i am here unbroken depraved in
my masterpiece masterpieces hang
on the wall they talk they tell me things
just like you told me just like you used to
here they tell me to touch
it's right it's good
here they tell me i am good
and once
more than once more than three times
you told me you swore there was no gun
but there was
i felt the cold steel inside me ripping my heart apart
my heart lay there sometime ago
i've since stimulated my heart's content with your
warm and gentle fingers
you swore there was no wrong once
and i believed you yeah i deserved it
yeah i was a filthy dirty whore who's c**t
only deserved more existing to bare one punch
more than once more than twice more than three times
you told me such and i believed it
yeah i deserved it
masterpieces on the wall now in the shape of figures
who make pancakes that smell so good
sometimes i want to fill up to the brim with your
multitude of brimming syrup
your
warm and gentle fingers who you swore once
brought only sin i want to fill up to the brim
and someday once maybe only once
i can tell the walls who speak and listen that
i hate him
i am safe up in my safe haven
arms wrapped around me protecting me more than
any army of individuals could think to try
an army of individuals who service a country in my mind
sands of time that i've lost to
the multitudes of 'you' citizens that reside
in my head you said instead you could die
an army who could die to bring me safe
i wonder if i mean that much but i don't think on it often
i try not to
you've hurt for me not once not three times over
and you still feel guilty and haunted when you shouldn't
your service to bring harm and dedication like
soldiers
who eat full up on pancakes in the morning
i could die here in my safe haven
with your masterpieces walking beside me
mmmmmmmmkay now that we have that stint of total awkwardness outta the way.. xD
[ boys that always grow up better men than me and you ]
